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How to Get Your Boyfriend to Marry You

Men and women don't marry for the same reasons. Here's how you can motivate him to want to put that ring on your finger.

 

Men and women are equal, but they are different. Take a moment to think about why your boyfriend is in a relationship with you and why he would want to commit to marriage.

boyfriend marriage commitmentBe careful not to assume that you and your boyfriend are in your relationship for the same reason.  Much of the time, women are in relationships because of romantic commitment while men are in relationships because of convenience and companionship. If you want to be sure that you are more than just a convenient companion, you need to ignore his word and look at his behavior. Does he make an effort to make you feel important and does he make his relationship with you a priority over others? If he doesn't, you don't have to give up your hopes for marrying him, but you will need to work on earning his respect. Until you do that, you are emotionally replaceable in his mind. 

Showering him with love may lower his desire to marry you

Women are attracted to men who make them feel safe and secure. So, when men are loving, it naturally increases women's desire to commit. Men, on the other hand, don't have the same natural attraction to security. Men will like it if you show passion and infatuation, but it won't move them toward commitment. In fact, the more you show these things, the less likely they are to commit.

Women who attempt to love their boyfriends into commitment often end up feeling like they are giving much more than they are getting.  It often turns out that the more they give, the less valued they are by their boyfriends.  Biologically, men are hunters and get turned on by the chase more than they do by the capture. This is one reason men are less passionate after they marry.

Women who throw themselves at men are usually thrown away by men.

Men and women don’t think the same way

Because men and women are motivated differently, they often misunderstand each other's behavior. Many women expect that what motivates them also motivates their boyfriends.  So, if they feel more attached and committed when their boyfriends help them feel loved, they assume that their boyfriends will also attach more strongly if they make their boyfriends feel really loved.  Instead, when men feel really loved, it often makes them relax to the point of working very little on the relationship.  They may shift their focus to hobbies, friends, or even work. In essence, they take their girlfriends for granted--as often happens in marriages.

Obviously men do marry, but why?

One reason men marry because they believe marriage will bring them something they don’t already have.  Historically, a regular sex partner has been one of the most common motivations for men.  Although things have changed and sex is more widely available to men, there are still many men who have not been so successful in this area and are motivated by this idea.  If this is the major motivation for marriage, this motivation will decrease as the relationship continues.  It’s not a bad motivator, but it’s not enough for the long term.

Some men really are family men and are eager to get married

Other men marry because they like the idea of having their own family.  These men may be the most similar to women in regard to their desire for marriage.  Men who have never been married are more likely to fall into this group than previously married men, but older men can also fall into this category.  The most likely candidates among older men are men who have never had children.  The desire to have children increases in both men and women who don’t have children, as they get older.  This happens more strongly for women because of the age limits on having babies.

Most men are loss averse, they marry because they don't want to lose a good thing

Most men do not marry for either of these reasons.  And, if you are thinking the main reason is love, you are only partially correct.  His love for you is much more important than your love for him in regard to his desire to marry you. The most important consideration is marriage needs to be a way for him to not lose you. In other words, marriage is part of the chase. It has very little to do with his dreams for the future. It's not commitment, romance, and playing house that he is after. He just can’t stand the idea of being without you.

For women, the desire for security leads to marriage. For men, insecurity leads to marriage.

Why he may be resisting marrying you

Now, let’s see how this gender difference is impacted by what you do.  If you work really hard to make your boyfriend feel loved, he may feel very secure in his relationship with you.  That means he can relax his behavior.  If you continue to shower him with love no matter what he does, he will be very secure, as well as lose respect and attraction for you. He will stay with you because it is convenient, but remain at risk for leaving you for someone else more alluring.

Also, if you complain about his behavior but set no boundaries around it, he knows at a subconscious level that he has got you. Unlike women, men respond to behavior more than words. If you complain, but your actions still are very needy, your words will have no effect. Not only that, but complaining is very irritating to men. It feels controlling. There is no way that you are going to complain yourself into a marriage.

So, how can you get him to want to marry you?

Getting commitment from men turns out to be something that secure women do naturally.  They love their boyfriends and share their positive feelings freely without concerns about being misunderstood or blamed.  They never tolerate bad behavior from or make excuses for their boyfriends.  This combination of behaviors makes the woman appear both valuable and desirable. 

Secure women are not whiners or complainers that men have to satisfy.  But, they bring out the best part of men because they accept nothing less.  They are loving, but not overly giving or enmeshed.  And they will walk away if they are not getting what they want.  Such women get the best men and quickly.  Men would rather marry her than lose her.  It’s her willingness to be loving and secure, to not be controlling, and to walk away, that creates the desire in men to marry her. 

Becoming a secure woman who gets commitment from men

Many of the women who come to me have boyfriends who are less committed to the relationship than they are.  They are often using some combination of complaining and loving to try to “reform” their boyfriends and get them to be more committed—but without success.  To help such women, we work on creating the boundaries that get them respect, while also helping their boyfriends to feel loved, but replaceable.  It’s a hard transition for many women to make.  After all, women who feel like they are replaceable are less attracted to their boyfriends.  But, because of gender differences, the opposite is true for men.  With respect, a valuable loving presence, and the willingness to walk away from the relationship, men want to commit. 

You need to be the prize instead of making men feel like they are the prize

No matter how much you love your boyfriend, if he imagines that he could have someone just as good if he didn’t have you, then his desire to marry you is going to be low.  The more you complain about him or tolerate his bad behaviors just proves the point that you are not so special.  The more you put him on a throne, the more he will feel like you are one of his subjects.  The more valuable you are, the more special he will feel to have you for his very own and to show you off to others.  Instead of making men feel like you badly need them, it is more effective to make them feel like they badly need you. Men act on their desires--not yours. 

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