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Two Great Books for improving your relationship--lovingly and securely

What to Do When He Won't Change book

What to Do When He Won't Change

 

Connecting Through Yes! book

Connecting Through “Yes!”

 

 

Long Relationship Problems and Break Up Decisions

You are not married, but you are committed. Or are you? What to do when things go wrong.

 

First of all, if you are still trying to decide whether to break up, it means you are still emotionally connected to your boyfriend or girlfriend

If you weren't, it wouldn’t be a hard decision.  It’s just that you are at the point where you have tried to make things better and have failed.  Now, you are thinking there is no way to make things better.  So, you have limited yourself to two very different choices:

It's this comparison that makes break up seem like the thing to do. But, both of these choices lead to heartache and regret. What's needed is a third choice which offers the possibility for things to be better:

It's this third choice which really offers hope. And, it will let you make sure that everything that can be done has been done--so you don't have regrets later.

Did you notice that being patient is not a good choice?

Although I believe love is forever, I would never encourage someone just to tough it out in a bad relationship.  Life is short and the world does have many opportunities.  To watch them go by while you suffer in a bad relationship makes no sense to me.  Patience is good when you already have done a good thing and you are waiting for the results. Like waiting for a garden to grow. But, if the seeds haven't been planted yet, being patient isn't going to get you anything.

Giving always makes better sense than failing, but it doesn't lead to happiness

I would say that quitting school is better than continuing to fail.  Quitting your business is better than going bankrupt.  And breaking up is better than hating each other. But, neither of those options will make you happier.  Or more successful.  It’s not really easier to quit than to fail. And it’s not really easier to break up than hate each other.  They both feel really, really bad.  They both leave you lonely and regretful.  And they don't guarantee that your next relationship will be any better.

A really helpful question is, “If we don’t break up, and we don’t want things to go on the same way, then what would be an effective way to improve our relationship?”

This is a very powerful question.  This is the question to ask before making the decision to break up.  The answer to this question will help you to make an informed choice and not just react to a bad situation. Many people have overcome serious problems to succeed in school.  But they had to find out how and then follow through.  Many business owners have gone from red ink to black.  But they had to learn how and follow through.  And many people who were getting burned out in their relationships made them better.  Much better.  But, they had to find out how and follow through.

Choosing to save your relationship rather than break up takes the guts to face the truth

These truths are hard, as truth often is.  The first truth is, that although you may be very mad or very sad, you love your boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, or wife.  Otherwise this wouldn’t be a struggle for you.  The second truth is, your significant other loves you.  And for the same reasons.  Truth number three:  You are both clueless as to what to do and are both sick and tired of your bad feelings, but if you could, you want each other badly.

And, finally, you have to get help from someone who knows what to do

As self-serving as that may sound, coming from a relationship coach, it is nevertheless the truth, also.  If you don’t know how to succeed, someone has to teach you how.  In my first year of college, I had many struggles until someone taught me how to take notes, review for tests, write papers, etc.  Because what I was doing wasn’t working no matter how hard I tried.  It took a few months, but eventually I got excellent grades and was able to go on to become a professor, a doctor, and eventually an international relationship coach. There is no reason why you can't learn to successfully manage the problems in your relationship. Then you can go on to have more and more success, too. Places where we get stuck are place to learn--not places to give up.

All the effort in the world will do you little good if you don’t know what you are doing

Breaking up and trying to find the "right person" won't really teach you how to deal with your current problems. When you run into them again (which you will), you will be stuck again.  Running a business is the same thing.  You can’t just shut down and open another business whenever you run into a serious problem. You need to learn how to deal with this problem and decide whether it is worth it. Then, you can shut down, if you want, and open another business, knowing that you won't get stuck with this particular kind of problem again. In a business, the most important thing is to know how to get more money coming in than is going out. A positive cash flow. In a relationship, you need to know how to have a positive love flow. When you are in a relationship, you can have a lot of love and patience, but if you don’t know how to talk about important things or work together, then you’ve got to learn before it will get better.  Working on things is going to be an important part of any long term relationship you have.

Stop fighting.  It won’t help.  You will just hurt each other more

Fighting when you are thinking about breaking up just serves one purpose—to create emotional distance so that you feel better about breaking up.  You know that fighting, especially at this point, is not going to bring you any closer.  An effective, step by step approach, will.

Usually one person is ready to work on a relationship before their partner is

That is typical.  Don’t be fooled by online counselors who tell you it’s a really bad sign if your boyfriend, girlfriend, wife, or husband doesn’t want to work with you.  Did you ever know your significant other to be ready to do the same things that you want to do, at the same time? Usually, if both the man and the woman are ready to work together it means that one of them has been bothered for a long time waiting for the other one.  The time will come when your significant other is ready to work together, but don't wait for that. Create in your partner a desire to be with you and he or she will be willing to work with you also.  

Relationship coaching is the safe and fast route to working on your relationship

A relationship coach won't work to break up your relationship. You will learn how to improve your relationship by dealing with anything that is going on. Anything. Because the only way for things to get better is for you to deal with them, effectively. Bailing out is not dealing. Creating good boundaries, opening up communication, restoring trust, and reconnecting are the skills for dealing with relationship problems.

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