Relationship Coach Articles

Your relationship is going from bad to worse. The things that you have tried are not helping. Your partner shows no evidence of changing for the better. You need help and you need it fast, but you are not sure where to turn. Get the facts and follow through or your relationship will become a statistic.

Here are 5 key benefits of using a relationship coach.

1. CREATING SPECIFIC GOALS. Your basic desires must be translated into specific terms. You know you want to have a better relationship, but that doesn’t really give you guidance as to where to start. Imagine saying, “I want to paint a pretty painting.” Or, “I don’t want to paint an ugly painting.” When you set your brush to the canvas, you will have to know what you want to paint or you won’t be able to make a stroke. The key to finding out exactly what you want for your relationship is a professional relationship assessment. A professional assessment helps you to identify what is right for you. No one can tell you what is right for you, but a professional assessment can draw the answers out of you.

2. RECOGNITION OF COUNTERACTIVE BEHAVIORS AND BELIEFS. The reasons you don’t have a good relationship are specific to you and the way you interact with your partner or past partners. Some people change relationships when they run into serious trouble because they think that will solve their problems. Then, they find in their next relationship that they have similar problems. Are they choosing their partners in a bad way? Or are they continuing some pattern of thinking and behaving which is recreating the same kinds of conflicts with their partners? Perhaps they are doing both. The way to be sure is to work with someone who has a little more perspective and experience with these patterns. We all have blind spots that we can’t see that get in the way of almost everything that we do. We must work with someone who can see them and point them out to us if we are going to overcome them.

3. CORRECT GOAL SIZE. If your goals are too large, as are most people’s, you will give up before you make significant progress. No one goes from A to Z in a single step. You can spend months in counseling trying to figure out why you can’t go from A to Z (such as changing your career). Once you figure it out, though, you still won’t be able to go from A to Z. You will need to go from A to C (such as revising your resume),or A to B (such as just revising the first part of your resume). The goal must be small enough to get you started and big enough to challenge you without overwhelming you. Your goals also must be achievable in a very short period of time. Relationship coaches help people to accomplish goals more quickly by finding goals that move their clients along, and keep them experiencing success–without burning out and quitting. You need to be a rolling stone and not a statue.

4. AVAILABILITY OF SUPPORT. It is easier to do everything with support–including doing the wrong things. When we are in a bad relationship or a relationship with bad problems, our partners are being supportive of our bad behaviors. And we, in turn, are supporting our partner’s bad behaviors through our own codependent patterns. You need someone who will help to keep you motivated to do different things that are more constructive. It is hard to change, but it is easier when you have someone on your side. As you achieve your goals, you and your support partners can celebrate your victory together. Ongoing support is a major role of a relationship coach, also.

5. EXPERT GUIDANCE AND TRAINING. You know that communication is important, but do you know the most effective way to handle verbal attacks? To handle infidelity? To handle withdrawal? To counteract a poor self-image? You know that trust is important, but do you know how to restore trust when it is broken? Without doing further damage? If your appendix were inflamed, would you try to take it out yourself? Not if you value your life. The more valuable your relationship is to you, the more you will try to get expert help with your relationship problems.

In summary, if you continue to ignore your relationship issues or work on them in ineffective ways, then you are most likely to experience a deteriorating relationship, to have more and more frustration, and to burnout and quit (or experience your partner quitting). Most relationship problems become worse rather than better with the passage of time. When people attempt to work on them by themselves, they often just get worse faster because of increased conflict from ineffective methods.

However, if you get the professional help of a relationship coach, you will be able to specifically identify what you want, you will be able to identify which of your behaviors are getting in the way, you will be able to make the right size goals, you will have more successes more often, you will have ongoing support, and you can be sure that you are working on your relationship in a constructive way.

If you put an egg in the microwave, and try to cook it, what will happen? It will explode, of course.  The interior of the egg expands rapidly while the shell expands only a little.  The result is a very messy microwave oven.  A person who makes this mistake once is unlikely to repeat it again.  Why is it that so many people who have relationship explosions continue to create them again and again?

Let’s look at some of the most common reasons why people continue to fight:

1.       TO CHANGE THEIR PARTNER’S BEHAVIOR-You can cook an egg in the microwave, although you will have to scrape it out to eat it.  You may also be able to get your partner to comply with some of your demands–if you have more energy for fighting than your partner does.  Some people will go 12 rounds while others will go 8.  The one who goes 12 rounds seemingly wins, but the relationship suffers as a result.

2.       IT LETS OUT TENSION-Shouting, screaming, throwing things, punching walls, etc., let’s out tension.  It used to be recommended that angry children be given punching bags to let out their anger in a controlled way.  It is no longer recommended.  The reason?  Kids and adults who let out their anger and tension in this way feel angry more often and end up with a worse temper than they started with.  It also is not a positive way to cope.

3.       IT’S A WAY OF DEFENDING THEMSELVES-If you accuse me of something and I accuse back, it takes the attention off of me and throws it back to you.  Even if what you are saying is right, I might not be able to deal with it.  This is particularly true for people who have never learned another way to deal with confrontation except by getting angry (or getting even).

4.       THEY ARE UNCOMFORTABLE WITH INTIMACY-Some people are afraid to be close.  Being close means being vulnerable.  It means risking being hurt-again.  In order not to face that danger (often learned in childhood), they fight to create a more comfortable distance from their partner.  All this happens below their level of awareness.

5.       THEY LEARNED THAT WAY FROM OTHERS-Having  grown up with fighting in their home, they never learned another way.  They learned that you must “play nice” in order to not get punished or to get what you want from others.  When you are nice and others still don’t give you what you want, you fight (unless you will be punished, arrested, etc.).

6.       THEY THINK THAT’S THE WAY COUPLES ARE SUPPOSED TO BE-Some people believe that couples are supposed to fight.  They imagine that fighting is part of a normal relationship.  Fighting actually helps them to feel like they are a real couple.  Such couples often enjoy the game of “fight and make up.”  They fight in order to make up because otherwise they can’t get to that level of intimacy.

7.       THEY DON’T KNOW HOW ELSE TO DO IT-People do what they know how to do.  If they don’t know any other way for handling conflict, they will fight.  Not because they think fighting is good, and not because they think it is normal.  For these people, they see the only alternative to fighting as giving up.  When they stop fighting, it often signals increasing distance in their relationship.

Regardless of the reason why people fight, argue loudly, explode, etc., if they continue to do it they will:

1.       GRADUALLY GROW MORE DISTANT

2.       BREAK UP, DIVORCE, OR LIVE AS ROOMMATES

There is a way out of the fighting trap:

1.       LEARN A BETTER WAY TO MANAGE THE CONFLICT-Whether the conflict is just within you (such a  difficulty with intimacy) or between you and your partner, if you don’t learn a better way, you won’t be able to stop fighting (unless you break up).  And breaking up will only temporarily stop the fighting because you will do it again with your next partner.

2.       STOP DOING THINGS THE OLD WAY AND USE THE NEW WAY-It only takes one person to start a fight and it only takes one person to stop a fight.  If you know how to manage conflict and attacks from your partner, you can stop the fighting-even if your partner does not learn a different way.  The only way that your partner can fight with you is if you continue to fight with him or her.

What are the benefits of learning a better way?:

1.       LESS STRESS-Feeling freer and being comfortable in your home.

2.       MORE INTIMACY-Feeling closer to your partner.

3.       A FRESH BEGINNING-Enjoying the relationship you always wished you could have.

Your chance of learning this from a book is nearly zero. This is a big change which must occur under frustrating conditions.  You need the expert help of someone who can guide you through it, support you, provide helpful tools, and practice with you.  You need someone who believes in you, and most importantly, you need someone who will help you to keep going long enough to make a real difference in your relationship.  I recommend an experienced relationship coach because of their ability to provide these things.  A relationship coach will cost you some money.  But fighting can cost you your relationship and years of your life.  Make the decision that is best for you.

What is an attractive man or woman? Is it someone who has beautiful skin, a nice body, or a fascinating mind? Those things are great to be sure, but helpful as they may be for meeting someone, they will not have any power for keeping someone. That’s right, even the most beautiful and intelligent people in the world lose their partners every day. If hundreds of thousands of dollars spent on personal training and beauty products doesn’t work for them, do you think they would work for you any better?

I’d like to tell you about one of the most attractive people I know. He must be attractive because people young and old want to spend time with him, including his wife, children, grandchildren, students, friends, and even strangers. His name is Paul Holland. He is a psychologist and a pastor. He has the figure of Santa Claus, an uncoordinated walk, wears heavy rimmed glasses, has thinning gray hair, and if his tie matches his jacket it’s probably an accident. But, If you could bottle what he has, everyone would like to buy some.

When I was new to the practice of psychology, I had the good fortune to be mentored by Dr. Holland. I soon learned what made him so attractive to seemingly everyone. Although he has two PhD’s, most people don’t know that and he never tries to impress people with it. He never tries to compensate for what he lacks in appearance by trying to appear to be more intelligent than others. Read on to find out how this man attracts so many people and how you can too.

In his mentoring, the amazing thing that I learned about this man was that although he had an impoverished background and many personal losses, he is a positive person. He has an infectious laugh that can be heard far down a hallway and a way of listening that shows you that he really cares.

He taught me that although books are a great source of information and although it is very handy to have the right tool for the right situation (his hobby had been working on ham radios), it is the human element that attracts one human being to another. The human element must be developed for it cannot be learned from a book.

Being an attractive person is important for our most intimate relationships. Being attractive to our kids means that they want to spend time with us. Being attractive to our partner means the same thing. In fact, that is true for friends and strangers as well. The best way to define your attractiveness is by how much other people want to be with you, particularly those who know you.

If you are seeking to make yourself more attractive to other people, the most important thing will not be your clothes (although neat is better), your body (though smell is important), your hair (though clean is better), or your face (although a genuine smile is a must). Regardless of your physique, you have the potential in you to become more attractive than Miss America or Mr. Universe. There are many men and women who would gladly trade their physically handsome man or beautiful woman for a truly attractive person (one who they want to be with because of how good they make them feel).

You can become more attractive regardless of the type of relationship you are in, regardless of your appearance, regardless of how much money you have, and regardless of how smart you are. But to do it, you need to take specific actions. Specific actions bring specific results. Are you taking the actions that are bringing the results that you want? You can start now, and I will help you.

Here are a few methods you can start using at home, at work, at the grocery store, and wherever you are. If, that is, you really want to become one of the most attractive people in your town. (Even if you just became more attractive to your partner, though, wouldn’t it be worth it?).

1. LOOK FOR THE GOOD IN WHAT YOU JUST DID—Did you just teach a lesson? What did you do well? What would you like to do again next time? What did you just do well at dinner, with greeting your partner, or at work? Carry an index card in your pocket with this question, “What did I just do well?” Pull it out and answer it throughout the course of the day. Do not put the card back in your pocket before answering the question.

2. LOOK FOR THE GOOD IN WHAT YOU HAVE DONE BEFORE—What was my best quality as a child? Was I hard working? Honest? Friendly? Funny? Helpful? Write it down on a piece of paper—“My best quality as a child was…” Can you let that part out of yourself more often? The child part of ourselves often is the most attractive part.

3. LOOK FOR THE GOOD IN OTHER PEOPLE—At a bus stop, can you find something you like about each person? What do you like about what your partner, your kids, or your dog did today? Can you let them know about it? How good can you get at spotting good things that people do? Make it a game or personal challenge. You get one point for noticing and five points for telling them about it. Keep track of your score on an index card and transfer it to a calendar at the end of each day. Have a contest with a friend.

4. LOOK FOR THE GOOD IN WHAT YOUR PARTNER DID IN THE PAST—People tire easily of hearing bad things about themselves, but you can tell them the same good things over and over. When you tell someone something good about what they have done. Keep a running list of what you appreciate about your partner. Nothing is too small to go on this list.

Do you see common themes in these recommendations? There are at least three: 1) look for the good 2) don’t look for the bad (ignore it, overlook it, bite your tongue), and 3) write it down. An index card is one of the most powerful tools for personal change. Memory is one of the worst. If you rely on your memory alone, you are unlikely to change. Good intentions without good actions will only fool yourself. Write it down.

There is nothing phony about this method of change. You don’t need to act and you don’t need to try to impress anyone. I want to personally challenge you to get a score of 100 points for item #3 in the next week. Can you do it?^* Can you start to become more attractive this week? These are only a few of many powerful ways you can change your life and your relationships.

*If you get 100 points this week on my personal challenge, send me an email and let me know about it. You won’t win a prize, but I will congratulate you on your success.

True love is not to be found at a certain place, at a certain age, or with a certain person. True love is something that is under our control on the giving end, while at the receiving end we must risk everything for the chance of true love.

True love is not the same as feeling in love. Feelings come and go Sleepiness in the morning gives way to hunger in the afternoon. Both feelings disappear with the administration of a coffee and some food. Feeling in love comes and goes as we get what we want (or are deprived of it). It is important for it serves to connect us to another person long enough for us to explore our relationship further. Feeling in love can vanish as quickly as a thief in the night.

True love can only occur with true acceptance. Acceptance involves an intimate knowledge of another. How can we truly love that which we don’t truly know? Without intimate knowledge, we will only have our idea of the other. It will be our idea that we accept. It will be our idea that we love and treasure. When we discover the other’s core values, beliefs, desires, and history, we may be appalled and demand that the other conform to our idea of how he or she should be. We find that we have an apple and not an orange. But, we cannot make an apple into an orange.

Discovering that we never really knew someone, we discover that we never really loved that person either. There is still a chance for love, but it will require patience, time, and a getting to know someone for the first time—even if you have been together for 20 years. Once you know what before you did not, you cannot return to your previous illusion.

In order to love truly, we must accept another person, but what does that mean? Does that mean we must like everything that he or she does? If that were the case, true love would be impossible even for God. Who is perfect, without blemish, honorable in every way, never having done any wrong or thinking any bad thought? Most of us have fallen far short of even mediocre expectations.

Acceptance means that we know both good and bad about the other and have decided that we will take the good part of that person as well as the bad. It means that we have decided that what we like far outweighs what we don’t like. It also means that we will not in any way–in our thoughts, speech, or actions–try to change that part of the other that we don’t like.

When we try to change something about another or withhold our love from another because of some characteristic they have, we deem them unacceptable. Most of the time, they will get the message and it will pain them even as it pains us. Most of the things which are unacceptable to us about another are also unacceptable to the other, though through weakness or circumstance they have little power to change it.

How can I love you knowing that you have done such and such? How can I love you as long as you are doing such and such? Well, in point of fact you cannot love until you give up thinking, hoping, wishing, demanding, pleading, or pressuring the other to change that thing in order to become more acceptable to you and thus become more easy to love.

Of course, there are things that we will not be able to ignore, tolerate, or let go of. These are the things that will prevent us from truly loving the other. They must either be changed or we must be willing to live with a partial love, just as we can eat around the bruise on a banana. We will wish we didn’t know or couldn’t see that blemish in the other. I avoid saying “partner,” because the other may be your parent, your child, or your friend, as well as your lover.

Now you can see that for someone to truly love you, they must truly know you. And that means helping them to truly see you. The more you withhold the less of you they will know and the more they will love their idea of you rather than what you consider to be you. On the other hand, the more you share of yourself, the greater the chance that something about you will be unacceptable to them. If it is something that you can change, then there is hope. If it is something they can truly let go of, then there is hope. But, if they cannot let go of it in their mind, then it will dilute their love for you. They will be like the child who knows there is no monster under the bed but who is afraid to look—secure only as long as they can avoid thinking about the monster.

How many people in this world have true love? Is it really possible for a human to know everything about another? If they could, how could they possibly accept those things? Perhaps the way out of this dilemma is to share enough of ourselves that we are content the other person knows the essential us. Although we have done many things in the past, we have changed. Maybe some of those things that we did years ago are no longer a reflection of who we truly are now. When we forgive ourselves, those things need to be dropped in a mental ocean or we will become unacceptable to ourselves.

We must also not demand that the other share everything in order that we can carefully examine and scrutinize. We must be willing to forgive even without knowing, because if we knew then some things we could not forget. God forgives and forgets, but we are handicapped in not being able to forget. If the other has done something or you have done something that is in the past and no longer is a reflection of current self, then leave it in the past.

True love, then, takes time, sharing (of our essential selves), withholding of that which is negative and irrelevant, and acceptance. We must share at the risk of being rejected and we must get to know the other at the risk of losing our illusions.

Most importantly, true love is not at the whim of fate. It rests in the decisions that we make. Some people will never have it because of their decision to withhold their essential self or because of their demand that the other be something they are not. We must risk looking at the monster under the bed and make peace with it.

Is there such a thing as giving too much? How can we decide what to do and not do for our partner? If you feel like you are always giving and not receiving, you may be giving too much. That sacrificial love of yours may actually be doing more harm than good. But how can you decide what to do and what not to do?

Should we just do the things we want to do? There are many things that we do for our partners that we don’t want to do. Washing the dishes, taking out the trash, or going to work may be among them. If we stop doing these things, serious problems will result. Work is a necessary part of any relationship.

The unpleasantness of a task has little to do with the relationship. Usually, as soon as the work has been done, we are able to forget about it and move on. If you work for a company and they give you a paycheck, you don’t keep thinking about last week’s work. But, if they don’t pay you, then you will feel cheated and used. Although not a job, we all have expectations of our partners. When these expectations are not met, we can feel used and cheated.

Loving sacrifice is not “loving” if it causes us to feel resentful or it adds to our feeling that our relationship is unfair. People have an inner sense of what is fair and when we start feeling things are unfair, we had better take action before it gets worse. Resentment, or that sense of unfairness , creates emotional distance and emotional distance kills relationships.

What actions can we take when we feel like we are giving much and getting little?

1. We can stop doing acts of meaningless sacrifice. What you are doing to show love to your partner may not even be important to your partner. Although it is something you might appreciate if your partner did it for you, it may not be part of your partner’s love language. Not everyone wants a box of chocolates or to hear “I love you” at the end of every phone call. If doing things for your partner makes you resent your partner, then stop doing them!

2. We can tell our partner what we want. Most of the time we don’t get what we want because we don’t ask for what we want. What may seem like second nature to you may not even occur to your partner. If you are afraid to ask for what you want, then that is an assertiveness issue on your part. Thinking that you shouldn’t have to ask may make you feel justified, but it won’t help you to get what you want.

3. Negotiate. Negotiation is a normal part of any long term relationship. Negotiating everything could be a sign or trouble, but not negotiating at all is a sign of poor communication. Your partner and you have some different needs. “I’ll pick up the kids tonight if you will make dinner,” or “We can watch a movie you want this time if I can pick next time.” Partners who were only children and who were pampered by their parents sometimes don’t learn this kind of give and take. Making it explicit is a low conflict way to help yourself and your partner.

4. Use a mental or written checklist. When you are feeling resentful, ask yourself these questions: 1) Am I doing something that is really necessary?; 2) Have I let my partner know what I want or am I expecting my partner to “guess” what I want?; and 3) Have I tried negotiating this activity? If your answers are “no” to these questions, then you are being worse to yourself than your partner is.

A relationship, a true partnership, is many things. It is not purely emotional because there are many practical demands. It is not purely a matter of responsibilities because a relationship is not a just a job. It is not only a matter of management because a relationship is not just a business. However, a successful long term relationship has aspects of all three of these things: emotional, practical, and organizational. Using skills that pertain to these three components are vital to its success.

Relationship coaches teach more than 30 different skills related to relationship success. The extent to which you learn and use these skills is the extent to which your relationship can improve. Even learning one can make the difference between a relationship that gradually fades and one that stays vibrant. What you do today will determine what you get tomorrow.

Click here to see a list of more than 30 skills that you can learn in relationship coaching.

When I was working on my degree in clinical psychology, I lived in a small apartment with paper thin walls in Vista, California.

The neighbors who lived on the west side of my apartment were a young couple in their twenties. To say that their relationship had problems is like saying if you fall into Niagara Falls you will get a little wet.

When they were mad at each other, there was constant shouting and when they were very mad with each other, there was complete silence. Being their neighbor rather than their counselor, I found myself hoping they would be very mad at each other so that I could have some peace and quiet in my own apartment.

The interesting thing was that when they were shouting at each other, they were always blaming each other for things that did not seem to be very important. In the time it takes to drive to the store and buy a whole cartload of groceries, one could repeatedly blame the other for forgetting to buy the milk and always forgetting things, while the other could spend the entire time blaming her partner for always expecting her to be a mind reader.

Now obviously fighting about milk won’t get you any milk, nor will it really help your relationship with your partner. Why would a couple spend so much time blaming each other for small things? I got the answer one day when I noticed that a woman would sometimes visit their apartment while my female neighbor was working. My male neighbor’s routine with this woman was quite different and from the sounds, they had quite a good time.

Sometimes fighting about things creates an emotional distance that people actually want. It is very hard for the average human being to cheat on someone he has a good relationship with. But if the relationship is not so good, if there is something to hold against his partner, then it becomes easier to rationalize having an affair.

Affairs are far from being the only reason someone would want to be emotionally distant from their partner. Often when people commit to a relationship, it is not done wholeheartedly, and even after the commitment there remains much doubt. Emotional distancing can be a way of trying to hold on to independence and individuality even within the context of a committed relationship.

Emotional distancing can be used to rationalize heaving drinking, drug abuse, computer gaming and pornography addictions, and other harmful behaviors. A close relationship would take away the person’s excuse to behave this way.

Blaming others creates emotional distance primarily for the purpose of avoiding personal responsibility. Of course you are not to blame for your partner’s personal choices. We cannot justify having an affair because we are not getting along with our partner. We cannot justify excessive drinking or drug abuse because of relationship conflict. We cannot even justify shouting at our partner because of relational conflict.

The reason we cannot justify these harmful actions is because we have other choices. We can go to drug or alcohol rehab; we can work on our relationship with our partner, coach, or counselor; we can decide to make the best of our commitment to our partner even if it wasn’t a perfect decision.

When our partner is the one creating the distance, then instead of becoming reactive and adding fuel to the fire, we can look to see what the real issue is. What does our partner really want that closeness would interfere with? We are only repelled by things which threaten our desires. Just as divorce can threaten our desire to have a close relationship, so can a close relationship threaten our partner’s desire to be independent.

Working with a relationship coach can help you to identify whether you are contributing to the distancing from your partner, and give you some very practical steps for increasing closeness—even if your partner does not immediately want to do so. Reasoning, nagging, or fighting will not get you the closeness you desire from your partner. Neither will competing for your partner’s attention. If what you are doing now is not resulting in a more intimate relationship with your partner, then it may be time for you to try another way.

Are you wondering what happened to those loving feelings? You are still spending time with your partner, still doing things together, still sexually active, but just don’t feel the intensity of love and passion that you used to. What happened to it? Did something go wrong in your relationship? Do you have the wrong partner? Although those are often the conclusions that people have, they are usually not the right answers.

If you stop to think about it, you might realize that you have experienced this same decrease in passion in other areas of your life. Relationships with other people, hobbies, sports, and even your religion were probably all more exciting for you at first than they were after a while. Usually with hobbies, people end up giving them up when the passion is gone. Are we forced into either enduring our relationships or giving them up? Or is there another possibility?

Try these 7 steps to inject passion into your relationship.

Sleep one more hour per night. You will live longer (making up for the extra sleep time), be healthier, achieve more, and be able to focus on your partner. Fatigue damages sexuality, romance, and intimacy and takes the fun out of everything except sleeping.

Make lists. We live in a busy world with a lot of demands. Waiting for the demands to go away, or for the schedule to let up is not going to be your best strategy. Unclutter your mind by making lists. Shopping lists, chore lists, gift lists, whatever. Just like a backpack full or rocks takes the fun out of a stroll, so a mind full of demands and obligations takes the fun out of time with our partner.

Schedule. The belief that things need to be spontaneous to be good is an example of a belief which limits your enjoyment. Change it. You and your partner can schedule a regular date night each week. Take turns deciding what to do rather than playing the ping pong dating question game (“what do you want to do..I don’t know, what do you want to do…”). Schedule a regular time to be together each day as well, but don’t make it too long.

Have some quiet time. Everybody needs some time for themselves, not just to do what has to be done, but for solitary play, enjoyment, peace, and reflection. When we don’t have those things, we tend to become more and more scattered and tired.

Do something that excites you . Having something that excites you in life besides your partner can make you more excited about your partner. It also will make you more exciting to your partner. Don’t use your partner as an excuse to not do what you want to do in life. Relationships are for sharing our lives with our partner—not for giving them up to our partner. What would that kind of freedom add to your relationship?

Vary your routine. No matter how scenic the highway, it will become boring if you can only drive at 30 mph. Create a different kind of challenge in your relationship such as learning as a couple to dance, surf, camp, cook, or even start a business together. Don’t wait for retirement to have fun. Time makes us regret not having done more with others while we still could.

Intensify it. Normally give your partner a quick kiss goodbye? How about intensifying it? Get the rest of your body involved, kiss longer, more deeply. Ask your partner what would make his or her toes curl if you did it. Why not do it? You can have the same passion with your spouse that you could have in an affair—without the guilt and damage.

Waiting for your relationship to be more fun is like waiting for your shoes to jump onto your feet in the morning. “I can’t go out—my shoes haven’t jumped onto my feet yet.” Absurd, isn’t it? If your relationship is not fun, passionate, or intimate, make it that way. Have fun. Be creative. Shake it up. Enjoy your relationship. Just because you are in a long term relationship doesn’t mean that you have to act that way. Change the common idea that affairs are exciting and that marriages are dull into its opposite—marriages are fun and affairs are dull. We limit our behaviors more by our ideas than by any real world constraints. Learning to think in a different way means that we can learn to live in a different way. If you are tired of your routine, there is a good chance that your partner is too. “I would like to make our relationship more fun and exciting, how about you?” is a good way to start that conversation. If that just won’t work with your partner, a relationship coach, like the AAA, can get you on the road and where you want to go.

You are having problems with your marriage and nothing you have tried seems to work. What is your next step? Should you start looking through the phone book for a divorce lawyer? Do you work on getting your partner to go to marriage counseling with you? Do you have a session with a relationship coach? Do you just wait and hope that things will get better? With so many opinions and services available, how do you decide on the next best step for you?

Before you rush into a course of action, ask yourself a few key questions:

1. Is the way my partner and I have been working on our relationship helping?

If the way you and your partner are handling your relationship problems is not helping, then don’t continue to use this method. The more damage that is done to a relationship, the harder it is to recover from. Try something different. If you don’t know what to try, then it is certainly time to get help from someone who knows how to make things better.

2. Are there any immediate dangers to life or property if something is not done?

The time to separate is when staying together will do more harm than good. This is most obvious with a pattern of physical or emotional abuse. During the separation, it is important for the couple to continue to work on the relationship with an experienced marriage counselor. Although friends often recommend a lawyer rather than a counselor, most often people will leave one bad relationship just to have another unless they learn how to change their patterns.

3. Is my partner willing to go to counseling with me?

If your spouse is willing, marriage counseling can help the two of you to discover the destructive pattern that you are involved in. You will practice together skills that are important for breaking out of that destructive pattern. The presence of a counselor will help you both to stay focused and keep from going off into other unproductive areas. The counselor will not take sides.

4. Does my spouse blame me entirely for the problems?

Fear can cause spouses to shut down and withdraw, deny, and blame. Don’t continue to confront your spouse at this point. Arguing with an angry, stubborn, or withdrawn spouse is no more helpful than arguing with an angry, withdrawn, or stubborn child. Waiting for your spouse to open up or agree to counseling will keep you stuck. Work with a relationship coach on positive goals. This will decrease conflict, and improve your relationship. Coaches excel at getting people unstuck.

5. If my relationship could be improved, am I willing to work on it?

If the answer to this is “no,” then you have no energy left for working on the relationship or you are looking for someone’s permission to get out of the relationship. Some people attend counseling with the hope the counselor will recommend divorce. Do not use either counseling or coaching as a method to get you out of your marriage. Lawyers are better at that.

6. How long am I willing to live with this situation?

Can you continue with your relationship the way it is for 3 more months? for 3 years? Hope is important. It is what encourages us to take actions such as apply for a job, ask someone out on a date, or work on our marriage problems. Hope must be combined with learning and action in order to produce good results. Many people fall into the trap of believing that understanding, alone, brings a solution. Seeking endlessly to understand a problem is just another way to avoid taking effective action.

To summarize, marriage counseling is very good for working together with your partner. Relationship coaching is very good when your partner is not ready to work on things. The only person who can keep you stuck is you. The most risky thing to do is to continue waiting and hoping without taking action.

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There are two times that people put the most effort into a relationship–at the beginning, and at the end.  At the beginning, we want so much to spend time together that we will make time to do whatever it takes.  At the end of a relationship, we spend a lot of effort just to keep ourselves together while our relationship is falling apart.  Many people learn too late that the most important time to work on a relationship is . . . every day.  Because,  while choosing a good partner is essential, just committing to someone does not ensure years of happiness.

To continue to reap the rewards of a great relationship, there is a continual amount of work that must be done.  Just as a farmer cannot sow his seeds and sit back until they mature, so it is that we cannot expect an initial commitment to carry us to a great relationship.

Following these 10 steps will help to keep your relationship healthy and thriving:

1. Give and take–Couples who have been married 50 years or more say that the number one reason their marriages have survived is “give and take.”  There are times that our needs must be met, but there are also times when we need to sacrifice for the sake of our partner (and our relationship).

2. Dating–Dating is not just for meeting people.  It is the number one ingredient in keeping a marriage fun.  The more children there are in a relationship, the greater the need for dating.  Dating can be defined as doing something enjoyable with your partner, outside the home, without the kids.  One time a week is minimal for most couples.

3. Love is given–Love needs to be demonstrated in ways that are perceived as loving by our partner.  Just to feel like we love our partner is not enough to keep their love tank full.  For some, loving is receiving gifts or favors; for others physical touch or sex; and for others it is doing activities together.  Just because we like something doesn’t mean our partner does.  Love must be given in a way that it can be received.

4. Trust is earned–Without trust there can be no intimacy in a relationship.  Trust, unlike love, is not given but can only be earned.  We earn our partner’s trust by following through on our commitments and consistently behaving in a way that is good for our relationship.

5. Communicate honestly–Lack of honest communication indicates lack of trust or insecurity.  Either is detrimental to a relationship.  To be honest with each other means that there must be a freedom to express ideas that your partner does not like and does not have to like.  When we agree that listening does not necessitate agreement, it is easier to be open and honest with each other.

6. Use the power of visualization–We can only achieve what we can conceive.  The way you think about your partner and your future together will impact the way you feel and behave toward each other.  Negative images must lead to corrective action or be replaced with positive ones.  Positive thinking about your partner puts a gleam in your eye which is apparent to your partner.

7. Make your needs known–Eliminate all complaining by changing your complaints to requests.  Requests risk rejection, but complaints guarantee it.  Do you really want your spouse to stop watching TV or are you really wanting your spouse to sit and talk with you?  Ask your spouse to sit and talk with you rather than complaining about his or her TV viewing.

8. Agree–Rather than listening for the part of what your partner is saying that you disagree with and then debating about it, listen for what your partner is saying that you agree with.  Sometimes partners feel like you are looking for something to pick at because you only comment when you disagree.  Frequent agreement will make the disagreements more tolerable.

9. Go the extra step–The little bit extra that we do for any job or relationship makes all the difference both in early dating and in maintaining the relationship.  Make your spouse’s lunch?  Include a little love note.  Greet your spouse with a kiss?  Kiss his or her neck too.  Whatever you do, think about how you can add just a little more to make it special.

10. Make a relationship plan–Living from day to day without any goals for the future leads to routine, stagnation, boredom, or burnout.  When you and your partner are working on goals together, you share something that the rest of the world doesn’t have.  And that creates a special world for the two of you.

Just as it’s easier to change your car oil than to replace the transmission, so it is easier to work on your relationship before problems occur.   Being in love has never been enough to maintain a long term relationship.  Doing what it takes to have a good long term relationship, however, will increase your feelings of love.  Working one on one with a relationship coach will give you more specific ways to address issues important to your relationship.  Success can happen if you make it happen.

You don’t need to have any kind of preparation whatsoever in order to find a partner. But, in order to find a great partner, you need to have even more preparation than you would to find a great job. The successes in our lives don’t happen by accident or without effort.

The more of the things that you do on this list, the better partner you will find.

DECIDE ON WHAT YOU WANT FIRST—When you go shopping for food, there are those essential things that you don’t want to forget like bread and milk although you end up buying many things. When you look for a partner, you need to be able to tell the important from the extras. You can’t live on chips.

USE THE POWER OF VISUALIZATION—Our minds help us to achieve whatever we imagine. Use the power of your mind to help you find a great partner by clearly and repeatedly imaging such a person. You may already do this for sports or for oral presentations. It works for personal relationships too.

MAKE FRIENDS OR SPEND MORE TIME WITH FRIENDS—Friends help us to feel important and not to be lonely. Feeling unimportant and lonely will make you desire a person even if he or she is wrong for you. A starving person will eat moldy bread.

MAKE A DATING PLAN—Decide on how much time you will spend, how much money, how often you will date, etc. Having such a plan keeps you within your budget, keeps you on track, and is more likely to lead to success. Don’t depend on spontaneity and luck to find a great partner.

MAKE SURE YOUR FINANCES ARE IN ORDER AND THAT YOU HAVE AN EMERGENCY FUND—Financial and emotional crises create dependencies on other people, even when they are wrong for us. Having money in the bank makes it easier to say “no” when you need to.

WORK ON YOURSELF—Get into counseling or better yet work with a relationship coach. Identify old patterns and change them or else you will just repeat them with a new person. A relationship coach will help you to identify the forces that prevent you from having success. Just wanting things to change doesn’t make them change.

FISH WITH THE RIGHT KIND OF BAIT—Are you a stay at home kind of person who is dreaming about an adventurous partner? Will that adventurous partner be attracted to you? It’s not about pretending—it’s about creating the kind of life you want to have by becoming the kind of person you want to be.

SHOP THE WORLD—If you wanted a fantastic car, would you only look for one at the local junk yard? The right person for you may be across the country or across the world. International dating takes more time than local dating and is not for the desperate and needy. But, the desperate and needy aren’t going to find someone good in their backyard either.

ENJOY YOUR LIFE—Just as the best time to find a job is when you don’t need one, so is the best time to find a mate. You then end up finding someone to share your great life with rather than looking for someone to make your life great. There is a world of difference.

HAVE A PASSION—Find something that is important to you and get involved. Save the whales, work for a local charity, or climb Mt. Everest. Do what turns you on in life before you look for someone who turns you on in life. Then such a person will be turned on by you.

WORK WITH A RELATIONSHIP COACH—Relationship coaches help you to get the kind of person you want while teaching you essential skills for building the relationship. Every shining star, executive, athlete, or politician you see has a coach. It helps them to be their best and to get the best.

Finding a wonderful mate takes preparation, work, and an investment of time and resources. This is true for every success in life. It is not a matter of getting lucky. It is only a matter of getting the right guidance and working consistently. The sooner you learn that, the sooner you can have what you want in life. Planning and work are characteristic of people who succeed. Are you willing to do what it takes in order to get what you want?