Some key dating ingredients that will help to keep your marriage strong and close.
Did you know that improving your dating life can improve your marriage?
This is true even if you have been together for many years. Dates remove us from our everyday surroundings so that we can focus on our spouse longer, more positively, and more intensely than we do on a day to day basis. This prolonged positive focus helps to strengthen the marriage bond. Just think about how much your husband or wife focused on you when you were first dating. At that time, you were creating an emotional bond and that bond was so strong that it made you desire to be with this person for the rest of your life. You can re-harness the power of dating that created that and re-invigorate your marriage.
The quality of your dates with your husband or wife is a good thermometer for the temperature of your marriage.
If the dates in your marriage are dull, then it may be an indication that your marriage is cooling off too much. If you look forward to your dates with your husband or wife with eager anticipation, it’s unlikely that you need my help (stop reading this page!).
One of the things that can make dating in marriage less fun is when you think your husband or wife doesn’t desire you.
When you were first dating, you knew you were desired and were often reminded of that. Your spouse was happy to do anything as long as it was with you. Two good ways to bring this desire back are prepping for yourself and making your husband or wife feel desired. Make your husband feel like a man. Make your wife feel like a woman. (More help on increasing a woman’s desire for you).
Prepping for yourself for a date in marriage involves dressing and grooming well, and staying in shape.
Men and women who feel healthy and attractive “project” that feeling to the world. You know how good it feels to drive the family car when it’s washed, waxed, and the interior smells nice. Well, the same is true for you! Knowing how much to dress up or make up depends on how you react to yourself when you look in the mirror. Aim to always look just a little bit nicer than other people where you are going. Remember, attraction is based on comparison for both men and women.
Some guys will feel great in a suit and tie while others will feel great in new jeans, boots, and a t-shirt.
It’s that “feel great” feeling that contributes to the date. It’s no different for women. If you don’t think it’s important, just try to remember back to when you were first dating. Did you prep? And, if you were trying to attract another man or woman (I hope you are not!), wouldn’t you prep? If someone else was trying to attract your partner, for sure he or she would prep. So, why would prepping be less important for attracting your wife or husband? It isn’t. We can’t just get into a committed relationship and then cruise for years on attraction that we had when we were first dating.
It’s also important to remember to make your husband or wife feel like he or she is desirable to you.
The more you can do this, the more it will be true. We are not just mental beings. We are physical and sexual, too. How your husband or wife feels about his or her body has a lot to do with how you feel about it. Just think how much impact one comment could make such as, “I want to go where there are a lot of people so they can see what a beauty (stud) I have for a wife (husband).”
You can make your dates in marriage more fun by making something just a little different.
Even a small departure from routine can make a big difference. Your imagination is the limit here. Wear different clothes, go to a different place, talk about the future rather than the past, go out for breakfast rather than dinner, borrow someone’s pet to take along, wear a fake mustache, act like your spouse is your favorite movie star, or whatever. Don’t have unnecessary rules for your marriage. Your parents aren’t watching, and if they are, who cares!
Romantic dates in marriage are created by situations that shut out the environment and enclose you two in your own world.
Soft lights and soft music both reduce outside distractions. Going to a quiet place like a park also creates more focus on each other. Movies and concerts are fun, but don’t create a romantic bubble because the focus is toward something or someone else and not toward each other. The best dates tend to combine fun with romance. Take a walk in the park and then go to the concert.
And, if your husband or wife doesn’t want to break from routine,
(Going to the same restaurant every time for example), then just add a little something to your usual date. Stop for an ice cream on the way back, go for a walk after dinner, or even go for a walk around the mall. And, think of your spouse as your date rather than your mate. Afterward talk with your husband or wife about how good it was to do something extra. This will start to open the door a crack on more adventurous dates. Everything in life is step by step.
If your dates continue to be difficult, it is time to get more help.
“Forced” dates signal that an issue in your marriage is spraying cold water on your warm feelings. Although you are both trying to become closer, your dates are not dealing with that issue. They are only pointing out to you both that you are not so close anymore. That is not a good message to reinforce on a regular basis. You don’t want your dates convincing you that your marriage is fading. If this has been going on for three months or more, it is becoming a serious problem. More than likely, there are unspoken issues getting in the way of your relationship. A little help with that now can really make things better. My coaching clients often combine their talking “homework” with their dates. When they can do their intimate talking at the beginning of the date, they feel closer for the evening.
“We want to be close, but it’s just not happening. Where can we get more help?”
Marriage Coaching can bring you close again.
- Enjoy each other again
- Emotionally and physically reconnect
- Intimate talking
- Have that “in love” feeling again