How to Be Attractive for Your Husband

Four simple and effective methods to make your husband be more attracted to you

 

Keep his heart by being an attractive woman

be attractiveThe single most important reason to be attractive is so that we can feel good about ourselves. The second most important reason is to please the one’s we love. To be an attractive mom means that your children like to be with you and to introduce you to their friends. To be an attractive wife means that your husband couldn’t imagine finding a woman better than you and wouldn’t even bother to try. You don’t need to be physically beautiful to be attractive, but you do need to bring out your own personal beauty. If you are finding it hard to be an attractive woman for your husband because you are finding him less attractive, you may need to work on falling in love with your husband again. In this article, I’m going to assume that you are in love with your husband and want to give your best to him.

 

Being attractive is not about fashion or sex appeal

Any beautiful, sexy, or young woman can catch a man’s eye. It’s a biological imperative built into men. But, these are passing fancies not much different than noticing a diamond necklace in a jewelry store. Very few men would actually want the trouble or expense of chasing after these women. Those women are not your competition. Working on looking like the latest fashion model would be a frustrating experience, because even if you could look that way, those other women would still catch your husband’s eye.

 

Your husband’s innermost desire is not to be attracted to you…it is for you to be attracted to him

The women who are your competition are the one’s who make your husband feel important, interesting, capable, and attractive. The admiring secretary has a much better chance of having an affair with your husband than the young beauty who lives next door–even if she is ten years older than you! To keep your husband attracted to you, you need to make your husband feel young (even if he’s 60), attractive, important, and interesting. Don’t do it because you fear losing him (that would be needy), but do it because you love him and because that’s part of what it really means to be married.

 

Don’t wait for him to shape up before you do these things

Every week I get email from women who treated their husbands badly for years, following some bad behavior their husband was doing. You can probably guess that they write to me after their husband leaves them. They realize too late that they should have been nicer. It is hard for these men to trust again, and most don’t even want to try. The bottom line is, if you would be falling out of love with you, if you were in your husband’s shoes, it is time for you to work on being more attractive, no matter what he is doing. If he is behaving badly, don’t withhold your love. Instead, learn to have good boundaries. A woman without boundaries is not attractive to her husband. She just loses his respect and becomes less attractive in his eyes. Instead of withholding your love, learn to have good boundaries while still loving him. If you have been letting him do whatever he wants, hoping that will attracti him, you will need to learn how to build your husband’s respect, in addition to the following four methods.

 

Here are a four methods for attracting your husband

1. LEARN TO EMOTIONALLY TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF—If you can’t, then you will always need your husband to make you feel good. And, when he doesn’t, you will be critical of him. He won’t experience this as you loving him; he will experience it as you being demanding. He will start to withhold affection from you and your marriage will become a competition of needs. A quick test of how needy you are is to ask yourself how well you handle your husband’s criticism, how much you fear his rejection, and how often you think about what he needs or wants. Not puttng up with his criticism is one thing, but falling apart because of it is another. Although no one wants to divorce, living in fear of it makes people compromise their values and lose respect. And, if you rarely consider your husband’s needs, it’s a sure bet that you are too focused on your own. This method is #1 because if you are needy, then everything else you do to be attractive will be canceled out. If you are very needy, then you can get coaching for overcoming neediness in marriage.

2. PUT YOUR BEST PART FORWARD AT ALL TIMES—What is it that your husband likes most about you? Too often women confuse what their husband likes with what they are good at. You may be good at cooking, but he may be satisfied with takeout. If so, then don’t knock yourself out cooking for him. Keep it simple and spend time on what he really likes. Don’t know what he likes about you? Ask him. Why did he marry you instead of some other woman? Why is he staying with you instead of finding another woman? (Don’t be needy, but don’t be afraid to ask). What is it about you he most values? Whatever he says, believe him. If you can’t, then you have a self-esteem issue. There are many people in your life. Give them the part of you that they like best. And, ease up on the rest. Don’t try to give everything to everyone. It will make you more attractive, and your life easier, too.

3. LOOK FOR THE GOOD IN YOUR HUSBAND—The above two methods will help your husband feel comfortable (which is important because he will avoid you or shut down if he is not comfortable), but this one really attracts your husband at an emotional level. What is good about your husband? Not only to you, but to other people as well. What makes him a good worker, a good father, a good brother, a good son, a good friend, and a good husband? Show him admiration for those qualities. Of course he has faults, but you are not going to become attractive by pointing them out to him–no matter how helpful you think you are being. You will be like the the mom who said to her son on prom night that he looked really handsome, but that it’s too bad he has a zit on his nose. The attractive spouse overlooks personality blemishes unless they are something we have to deal with. Then, we deal with them securely and lovingly.

4. LOOK FOR THE GOOD IN WHAT YOUR HUSBAND DID IN THE PAST—When you tell your husband something good about what he has done, he will become more attracted to you. His past is a large part of his identity. Telling your husband he is so much more improved over how he used to be may seem loving to you, but it will be experienced partially as rejection or criticism by him. There is a reason men talk about things they used to do, or achievements they had years before. It is part of the way they see themselves now. Even an old man will appreciate, and be attracted to, someone who admires him for something he did 50 years ago. Never discount your husband’s past or put him down for being less capable now. If he ran a marathon before and is obese now, don’t point out to him that he sure couldn’t run a marathon anymore. It may sound funny, but it’s not what that nice secretary would say or that ne acquaintance on Facebook.

 

Be your husband’s fan and cheerleader

Keep a running list of what you appreciate about your husband. Nothing is too small to go on this list. Make him feel like you are his number one fan. No one likes their critics, but everyone likes their fan club.

 

If you do all this and still can’t attract him

If these methods don’t work for you, it’s probably because of a buildup of damage and mistrust in your marriage. If so, it will only be a matter of time before you have a loveless marriage or no marriage at all. Marriage coaching for you, or for you and your husband can really help to bring back the love.

 

Why Married is Better than Living Together

The most important reason to get married, and why you will miss out if you don’t.

 

In this article:

  • Why the divorce rate should not discourage you from getting married
  • The most important question to ask yourself about marriage
  • The unique benefits of marriage
  • Why single people can’t have this benefit, even if they live together
  • What if someone’s partner doesn’t want to get married?

With a high risk of divorce, does it make sense to marry?

Let’s apply this kind of statistical question to other subjects and see if they make sense for you.  “We shouldn’t buy cars because so many people have accidents,”  “We shouldn’t have children because so many parents have bad relationships with their children,”  “We shouldn’t try to start a business because four out of five new businesses fail.”  Do you see the problem with this kind of reasoning? When we try to prevent risks, we also prevent successes. We become less and less happy. 

The real reason why married people are less likely to break up

If you are still concerned about the “risk” of getting married, ask yourself the question, “Why have a boyfriend or girlfriend, if so many unmarried couples break up?” After all,   the statistics for unmarried people staying together are terrible.  Maybe you have even had some previous relationships yourself that have gone wrong.  Staying with an uncommitted partner does not decrease the risk of your breaking up. Actually you are much more likely to break up than if you were married. People who are less committed to each other work less hard to stay together. It is convenient, but it isn’t secure, and ultimately it is less satisfying.

Ask yourself the right questions about marriage,

The correct way to use statistics in your personal life is to find out what the people who do have success are doing. So, if 5% of couples stay together and 60% of marriages, the most important question is, “What are those 5% and 60% doing that makes the difference?” Then, decide if you are willing to do that in order to have success. If you are willing to pay the price in order to get the benefits, then it is the right choice for you.  (One of the biggest factors for the success of these two groups is the way that they handle problems).

Marriage is not about being “legal.”

Marriage has been around a lot longer than governments have. The benefits of marriage are not connected to that little piece of paper from the courthouse that says you are married.  I don’t know anyone who has put that on their wall or looked at it twice.  The legal process of marriage is mundane, boring, not interesting.  So, if marriage were about having a piece of paper that you never look at, I would avoid it at all costs. Fortunately, it’s not…

The benefits of marriage really have to do with the relationship between husband and wife and the commitment to live as One.

Living as One means becoming like one body. What benefits you benefits me and what hurts you hurts me. There is individuality in marriage, but it is an extension of the marriage rather than something separate.  “Marriage,” then, really means “Joining” in the sense that two pieces fit together to make one object.  A girlfriend and boyfriend are like a hammer and a nail.  Matching, but limited in what they can do. Husband and wife are like a hand and an eye.  Each is very important, each can do great things, but together they are capable of doing much more than either one could alone.

Now, you might wonder why you can’t have this as boyfriend and girlfriend.

The reason is that the level of commitment needed to be a hand and an eye is one so strong that jealousy and insecurity are banned from the relationship.  That is not possible in a relationship in which someone has not committed their whole life to you.  That escape hatch they have will cause jealousy and insecurity to remain in the relationship.  Whatever your boyfriend or girlfriend wants will be run through a jealousy/insecurity filter.  If either of these are triggered, then your heart will not be into helping him/her with the desires of his or her heart.

If you have really committed your love and life to someone, then you will help them to achieve the desires of their heart, even if you have some fear that you could lose him or her.

That is trust.  Trust is what love risks to get more than what insecurity could have. Trust is the cornerstone of marriage and growth.  Without it, there is no growth, only compromises, and a gradual slide into the roommate syndrome. Any married couple will tell you that without trust, there is no relationship.

If this sounds radical to you, it’s just because it’s not fashionable now.

The Oneness idea goes back to the Garden of Eden.  It’s a hard thing for the “Me” generation to commit themselves to helping their mates to achieve their dreams.  But, when both husband and wife do that, what blossoms from the marriage is far greater than what they could achieve on their own and far greater than what they could have were they not married. 

We already use this model of relating for other relationships

You can see the idea of a Oneness, or partnership marriage, a little easier by considering it in the context of other relationships. Parents for example, help their children to grow and have all that they can in life. They don’ t fear that their children will be so successful that they have no need for them anymore. The children have a great relationship with parents who help them to grow and succeed. In business, we help our partners or associates to have success because their success is our’s too. What’s good for the business is good for us. In my marriage, I consider that if my wife is not growing and going for what she wants, then I am not doing my job as a husband.

When NOT to marry.

If people are going to marry without committing, without really “joining,” and without really working in the best interest of each other, then I would be the first to agree that there is no reason to marry.  Marriage was never meant to be a piece of paper.  It was God’s gift to show us the beauty and wonder of being joined to another person, and a sample of what it is like to be joined to Him.  On our own, we struggle, but with a helper, we can love and live and be happy.

A marriage decision is made by two, but what if only one person wants to marry?

This is one of the most common areas that I work on with my clients. The typical situation is that my client has been committed to her boyfriend for a few years, but he is not interested in marriage. She doesn’t know if he is going to eventually leave, or marry her. But, she loves him. Does she wait? Does she leave? Does she pressure him to marry? What if pressuring him would make him leave? Together we create a loving way to bring the relationship to the next step and a new level of intimacy.

Resources:

 

Overcoming Neediness: A Secure Way to Find a Marriage Partner

It’s one thing to know you are needy. It’s another to know what to do about it. If you are single and want to marry someday, here is a great way to start.

You don’t have to settle for someone who is less than what you really want.

Would you like to find a lifetime “partner” in every sense of the word? The kind of person that you will be eager to commit to and have absolutely no regrets with later on? Whether people desire a prince or a pauper–it’s my goal as their coach–for them never to have to “settle” for anyone. If you use the methods in this article, you won’t have to settle for anyone, ever again.

People who were previously out of your league will desire you.

Don’t get the wrong idea–This is not an article for hooking up with a hot partner for a hot date. It is about being an obviously valuable choice for the kind of people you are interested in. Because your desired partner must also desire you. If you fall in love with a junk car, you can fix it up. But, you will never be able to fix up someone by having a relationship with them. Get the best one you can from the start.

Learn to look in the right places for your partner

The best jobs are not advertised in the newspaper, the best clothes are not on sale at the department store, and the best partners are not hanging out at the local bar. Simply trying to think where available people are and going there is one of the worst ways to find a mate. To get what you want, you must know what you want and where to find it. And you must have the means to get it once you get there.

Good relationships are more work at the beginning and less work later

It’s a sad state of affairs that people often spend more time planning and working to find the perfect diamond engagement ring than they did to find the person they got engaged to! Of course there are a lot of dating and matchmaking websites. And a few of them are actually pretty good. Their method is based on finding a “match” for you.

Matching makes sense

Finding a match before you pursue a relationship makes a lot of sense. It’s much better than finding someone, getting in a relationship with them, and then trying to figure out how you match each other. By that time, you are likely to be emotionally committed to the relationship whether you are a good match or not. But, don’t go to that matchmaking site yet!

Sometimes a good match is a bad long term partner

Bad relationships, like good relationships, also happen with people who match us. Let’s take an extreme example. If you are an alcoholic, then you are likely to get in a relationship with other addicts or codependent types. But, if you got sober first (before pursuing relationships), you would match an entirely different group of people. You would be less likely to revert to alcoholism and your relationship would be healthier.

Needy people choose people who match them, which is a large part of the problem

If you have no friends, another lonely person will match you well. You will feel “made for each other”– at first. But there are reasons that lonely people are lonely and have no friends. Those reasons will cause problems for the both of you before too long. And, if one of you makes friends during the relationship, that will be a source of conflict.

Change first, match later

If you make friends before pursuing romance, you will attract an entirely different (and healthier and wealthier) group of people. You will both have friends in the relationship and this will help in many ways. Your relationship will be on more solid ground. Similar examples can be made about any area of your life where it’s difficult for you to stand on your own two feet or to be happy.

Have you seen the pattern of intense love at the beginning of your relationships, but then severe distance later?

If you are unhappy or needy (lonely, financially strapped, in a stressful situation, etc.), your relationships will tend to be “fixes” that make you feel better temporarily, before you crash and burn and start desiring a different one. This bears repeating–because of neediness in some area, people get into relationships that seem perfect at first, but then fall apart.

People get into relationships with others who are not right for them because of their neediness.

To the extent that you solve your own problems before finding a partner, the better match you will find and the more secure your relationship will be. This puts the happiness of your relationships and the quality of the people you date under your control. This doesn’t mean you need to be rich or gorgeous. It means you enhance all areas of your life where you are needy until you are not needy any longer. Then, you will have created the perfect conditions for finding the perfect partner.

Ten practical steps for overcoming neediness so you can find a life partner

To enhance your life so that you are attracted to the right people and they are attracted to you:

1. IDENTIFY areas where you are needy or dependent.

2. GET these needs met before pursuing a relationship.

3. LIST additional desires (not needs) you have for your ideal future. Remember– desires are healthy; needs are pain based and should be worked on before looking for a partner.

4. DEFINE exactly the kind of man or woman you want to have. You are 100 times more likely to get what you want if you decide what you want before you look for it.

5. BECOME the kind of person that would be a good match for your *ideal* partner. You won’t get someone you don’t match because that person would have no interest in you.

6. MEET prospective partners. Date and evaluate. Never “settle” for just anyone. Be fully in control of the dating process. You have one life. Use it well.

7. DON’T COMMIT EARLY. This is one of the hallmarks of a needy person. They commit before they really know someone because they feel so much in love. If the relationship is really right, you don’t have to commit early for fear of losing it.

8. STOP DATING THE WRONG PEOPLE. Continuing to date someone who is not right for you takes away other opportunities and is more likely to result in another failed relationship.

9. SHOP AROUND. One way to prevent yourself from prematurely committing to someone who is wrong for you is to be dating several good candidates.

10. MAKE SURE that you also have time for other things and people in your life. Remember, secure people don’t give up their lives in order to have a relationship–they have a relationship in order to share their great lives.

Why a needy person can’t find good partners, but why you can

Needy people have to settle for less than what they want

As a relationship coach, I know how to help people both find and connect with their ideal partner. But, just being able to find such people will not ensure a relationship. If I help you to find men or women you are attracted to, but you are not the kind of person *they* are interested in, you don’t stand a chance. It’s like shopping in a jewelry store when you only have $10 in your wallet–you will be able to look, but not buy, then end up at Wal-Mart getting another piece of junk.

If you are needy, there are many people who are looking for you right now

If you are needy, there will be a lot of other needy people looking for you. There will also be a lot of people wanting to find you for “short term” relationships. For a lot of men, needy women are fun to fish for, but they are not the kind of fish you keep. They just need to dangle the bait just right and the needy fish will school around. Are you in that school? Needy men also attract women who will use them for various purposes.

If you are not needy, there will also be a lot of people looking for you

A happy person who has her life together will be attractive to most everyone. Not only will she attract needy people and predators, she will also attract the really good catches. The kind of partner that most women can’t have. These secure women stand out from others and are very valuable. They won’t have anything to do with needy partners or predators, and the good partners who find them won’t want to let them go. This goes for men as well.

This process is much easier with relationship coaching

Neediness is not all or nothing

There are needy people, and there are NEEDY people. The more toward the needy end of things you are, the more you will benefit by getting support and skills from a coach. If it saves you even one big mistake, it can be the most important thing you have done for yourself in a long time.

What you can do in coaching so that you can find a really good life partner:

1. Complete a needs assessment to identify areas where you are most vulnerable, needy, or hurting. Uncovering these blind spots will put you in a position to deal with them.

2. Start to identify some small steps that you can take to enhance these areas. Every improvement you can make in these areas will raise the bar on the kind of partner you can get.

3. Use some limit removing exercises to help you imagine your ideal future relationship. A coach can be very valuable for checking for areas that indicate neediness rather than desire.

4. Start making a “profile” of your ideal partner. Work with your coach to identify as much specific information as you can about where to find your partner and how to enter his or her world.

5. With your profile and your coach’s insight, determine what kind of people your ideal partner would be attracted to. Make sure this is the kind of person you want to be.

6. Make plans for meeting your mate candidates. Role play your first meeting with your coach. Make sure you feel comfortable and confident. You will need to learn skills for being confident and assertive rather than being aggressive or needy. This is one of the most important reasons to be in coaching.

7. Keep meeting people as you troubleshoot with your coach. Don’t worry about the ones that get away. When you can do that, then you will know that you are making good progress in overcoming your neediness.

8. Stay on track with all of your self-improvement. Don’t slide back into neediness as you look for a partner.

You can do it

As hard as these steps may sound, they don’t begin to compare with how hard a bad relationship is. You may already know that from your past experience. Likely, it will clash with your belief that good relationships happen naturally. That belief is only true for people who already are secure. If you think about it, probably nothing in your life happened naturally except the bad things. Everything else, you had to learn and practice, over and over, until it became natural.

Invest in yourself, and your future, by taking control of yourself. Stop being blown around by your emotions, and instead create the situations that will result in consistently good feelings for you.

How to overcome neediness if you are already in a relationship

Get help with your relationship

 

Long Relationship Problems and Break Up Decisions

You are not married, but you are committed. Or are you? What to do when things go wrong.

 

First of all, if you are still trying to decide whether to break up, it means you are still emotionally connected to your boyfriend or girlfriend

If you weren’t, it wouldn’t be a hard decision.  It’s just that you are at the point where you have tried to make things better and have failed.  Now, you are thinking there is no way to make things better.  So, you have limited yourself to two very different choices:

  • Should I break up?
  • Should I continue in a bad relationship?

It’s this comparison that makes break up seem like the thing to do. But, both of these choices lead to heartache and regret. What’s needed is a third choice which offers the possibility for things to be better:

  • Should I break up?
  • Should I continue in a bad relationship?
  • Should I get help to make this relationship better?

It’s this third choice which really offers hope. And, it will let you make sure that everything that can be done has been done–so you don’t have regrets later.

Did you notice that being patient is not a good choice?

Although I believe love is forever, I would never encourage someone just to tough it out in a bad relationship.  Life is short and the world does have many opportunities.  To watch them go by while you suffer in a bad relationship makes no sense to me.  Patience is good when you already have done a good thing and you are waiting for the results. Like waiting for a garden to grow. But, if the seeds haven’t been planted yet, being patient isn’t going to get you anything.

Giving always makes better sense than failing, but it doesn’t lead to happiness

I would say that quitting school is better than continuing to fail.  Quitting your business is better than going bankrupt.  And breaking up is better than hating each other. But, neither of those options will make you happier.  Or more successful.  It’s not really easier to quit than to fail. And it’s not really easier to break up than hate each other.  They both feel really, really bad.  They both leave you lonely and regretful.  And they don’t guarantee that your next relationship will be any better.

A really helpful question is, “If we don’t break up, and we don’t want things to go on the same way, then what would be an effective way to improve our relationship?”

This is a very powerful question.  This is the question to ask before making the decision to break up.  The answer to this question will help you to make an informed choice and not just react to a bad situation. Many people have overcome serious problems to succeed in school.  But they had to find out how and then follow through.  Many business owners have gone from red ink to black.  But they had to learn how and follow through.  And many people who were getting burned out in their relationships made them better.  Much better.  But, they had to find out how and follow through.

Choosing to save your relationship rather than break up takes the guts to face the truth

These truths are hard, as truth often is.  The first truth is, that although you may be very mad or very sad, you love your boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, or wife.  Otherwise this wouldn’t be a struggle for you.  The second truth is, your significant other loves you.  And for the same reasons.  Truth number three:  You are both clueless as to what to do and are both sick and tired of your bad feelings, but if you could, you want each other badly.

And, finally, you have to get help from someone who knows what to do

As self-serving as that may sound, coming from a relationship coach, it is nevertheless the truth, also.  If you don’t know how to succeed, someone has to teach you how.  In my first year of college, I had many struggles until someone taught me how to take notes, review for tests, write papers, etc.  Because what I was doing wasn’t working no matter how hard I tried.  It took a few months, but eventually I got excellent grades and was able to go on to become a professor, a doctor, and eventually an international relationship coach. There is no reason why you can’t learn to successfully manage the problems in your relationship. Then you can go on to have more and more success, too. Places where we get stuck are place to learn–not places to give up.

All the effort in the world will do you little good if you don’t know what you are doing

Breaking up and trying to find the “right person” won’t really teach you how to deal with your current problems. When you run into them again (which you will), you will be stuck again.  Running a business is the same thing.  You can’t just shut down and open another business whenever you run into a serious problem. You need to learn how to deal with this problem and decide whether it is worth it. Then, you can shut down, if you want, and open another business, knowing that you won’t get stuck with this particular kind of problem again. In a business, the most important thing is to know how to get more money coming in than is going out. A positive cash flow. In a relationship, you need to know how to have a positive love flow. When you are in a relationship, you can have a lot of love and patience, but if you don’t know how to talk about important things or work together, then you’ve got to learn before it will get better.  Working on things is going to be an important part of any long term relationship you have.

Stop fighting.  It won’t help.  You will just hurt each other more

Fighting when you are thinking about breaking up just serves one purpose—to create emotional distance so that you feel better about breaking up.  You know that fighting, especially at this point, is not going to bring you any closer.  An effective, step by step approach, will.

Usually one person is ready to work on a relationship before their partner is

That is typical.  Don’t be fooled by online counselors who tell you it’s a really bad sign if your boyfriend, girlfriend, wife, or husband doesn’t want to work with you.  Did you ever know your significant other to be ready to do the same things that you want to do, at the same time? Usually, if both the man and the woman are ready to work together it means that one of them has been bothered for a long time waiting for the other one.  The time will come when your significant other is ready to work together, but don’t wait for that. Create in your partner a desire to be with you and he or she will be willing to work with you also.  

Relationship coaching is the safe and fast route to working on your relationship

A relationship coach won’t work to break up your relationship. You will learn how to improve your relationship by dealing with anything that is going on. Anything. Because the only way for things to get better is for you to deal with them, effectively. Bailing out is not dealing. Creating good boundaries, opening up communication, restoring trust, and reconnecting are the skills for dealing with relationship problems.

Discover how to start rebuilding the love in your relationship

Get help with your relationship

 

How to Be Social, Overcome Shyness, and Make Friends

You can meet more people, get more dates, and make more friends when you do not behave shy.  Here’s a way you can easily do that.

 

Shyness is a kind of self-abuse

Shy people are shy because they are trying to protect themselves from how they imagine others will react to them.  Shyness is a kind of shell that make them feel safe, but actually blocks their own happiness.  Because even people who would like to be closer to them are shut out. For instance, if someone says “hello” to a really shy person, they are likely either not to reply or to reply in a way that appears unfriendly (no eye contact, looking nervous, no animation, looking uncomfortable).

You may be shy and not even know it

Before you start saying you are not shy, consider whether you feel comfortable talking to both men and women, one on one and in groups, to attractive people and less attractive people, to introverts and extroverts.  There is a high likelihood that you are shy with at least some kinds of people.  While you may not have a solid shell around you, you may have a kind of “screen” that keeps too many people shut out.  We want to screen out weirdos of course, but everyone else deserves at least a little human contact.  Everyone has something to offer, and, you have something to offer everyone.

Start by Reframing  rejection

When someone doesn’t really know you, they can’t reject you.  They may reject who they think you are.  They may reject the person that they see.  The only people who can really reject you are friends and family who know you well.  This means that strangers and acquaintances are actually emotionally safer than them! Until someone knows you, they only have an idea of you, and their feelings are based on their experiences with other people, not you.  Approach someone at a bar and they will react to you as if you are like most people who approach them at bars.  In a grocery store, you would get a different reaction.

Focus on what you have to offer

Another way to look at rejection is as the other person’s loss and not yours.  They are cutting themselves off from the chance to have a good relationship with you, to exchange a smile or a friendly word.  When you offer the hand of friendship and they avoid it, you can know it is their problem.  If an acquaintance greeted you or asked you how you are and you didn’t answer, who would be the weird one, them or you?

Don’t take big risks

Working up the nerve to do something really risky is generally not a good idea.  If you take a really big risk and it doesn’t work out, then you will be all the more reluctant to try next time.  People who have difficulty making friends often get into a downward spiral of forcing themselves to make a big effort to make friends, followed by failure, and an even more difficult time “forcing” themselves to try again.  It won’t be long before they  stop trying altogether.

Do take small risks, regularly and often

Taking small risks leads to an upward spiral.  Small risks are more likely to lead to success and to be less discouraging when they don’t work out.  Fail at even one big thing and you may never try again.  Fail at five of 10 little risks, and you will feel encouraged.  Shy people need to gradually crack open their shell, not explode out of it. The key to successfully leaving your shell is in taking small risks that you will be able to handle without begin crushed.

Use the social circle method of increasing social relationships

All of us have circles of social relationships.  You can imagine a bulls eye target with yourself at the center.  The ring closest to you represents your most intimate relationships.  The rings further out are more and more distant relationships.  If you go out enough rings, it would include everyone in the world! With the social circle method, the goal is to bring each person one circle closer.  Instead of trying to make strangers into close friends (a big jump, and a big risk), you make strangers into acquaintances, and acquaintances into potential friends.

  • Step 1.  If you would normally say “Hi” to someone, perhaps an acquaintance, then say a little more such as, “Hi George,”  (using the person’s name).
  • Step 2.  If you would normally say “Hi” and use the person’s name, add a simple question or comment such as “Hi George, nice weather today.”  Or, “Hi George, how are you?”.
  • Step 3.  If you would normally greet them with their name and a “how are you?,” add a little compliment.  “I really like your sweater,” for example.  (Don’t make it too personal or detailed).
  • Step 4.  If you normally would avoid eye contact with someone (perhaps a cashier), try making brief eye contact.  If you already do that, then add a little smile.  If you already do that, then say, “Hi” (and start at #1 above).

Make it a lifestyle

The basic idea is to initiate just a little more with each person.  Everyone is not treated the same in this method.  Because  they are only small increases, they don’t arouse concern in others and the approach is natural.  For some, this will sound too simple, but to the shy and lonely, this  can open up entire new worlds.  Many people stop long before other people resist their approach.  It’s important to reach the resistance level for their sake as well as yours.

What about other people’s resistance, shells, and filters?

You will meet a level of resistance, at some point, with everyone.  If not, then by following this method everyone would become your intimate friend!  That’s not going to happen.  But, by using this method with everyone until you hit a wall of resistance; you will reach a deeper level of relationship with some people than you ever would have before. Methods that go too far, too soon are aggressive and risky.  This method is natural and non-aggressive.  It is best for people you see regularly.

You have already been doing this at an unconscious level

Every interaction you have with other people exerts either a “push” away from you, or a “pull” toward you.  Sometimes the push or pull is so slight, that it has no effect–like trying to push a large tree.  At other times, your other actions may send people sailing away from you.  Only a few people are really good at pulling people in strongly.   Shyness pushes people away.  Working with a relationship coach will help you to learn skills for drawing people in.  That’s true whether the person is your partner now, your future partner, or even an estranged family member.

How to be more attractive to others

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How to Be Less Needy in Relationships

Neediness results in getting less of what you want and makes you feel sad and angry at the same time.

needy girl before relationship coachingNeedy people receive unkind words, behavior that say’s “your not so important to me,”and less and less affection as their relationship goes on. People who are not needy would end a relationship if they felt like that. But, a needy person wouldn’t. People who have a needy partner can do whatever they want because although needy people complain, they don’t leave. They give away any kind of power they have in the relationship, which creates a power imbalance, with the needy person becoming subordinate to her (or his) partner. Neediness does work in short term relationships and at the beginning of long relationships. The longer the relationship goes on however, the more the power differential results in both partners being less and less happy.

Why needy people’s relationships deteriorate.

Because needy people are afraid of making changes that might cause them to be rejected, they don’t set healthy boundaries. Extremely needy people become very careful not to do or say things that would make their partner upset. Instead of focusing on loving their partner, they become focused on not upsetting their partner. They often feel like they have to “walk on eggshells” with their partners, which takes the joy out of the relationship. People who are somewhat needy may have periods when they are very strong, even breaking up, but then quickly lose their resolve. Rather than have a gradually deteriorating relationship, these somewhat needy people have roller coaster relationships with many emotional ups and downs. For both the very needy and somewhat needy person, their fears of being rejected or being alone interfere with setting healthy boundaries that stabilize the relationship and promote equality.

A needy person craves the attention of her partner, much like an addicted person craves a drug.

A needy person doesn’t just want to share her life with someone, she craves being with someone.  It is a very self-focused feeling. The more insecure, lonely, and self-hating she is, the more she will want someone to stop her from feeling that way. Reassurances from her partner, in words and/or actions, help relieve the anxiety which is behind her neediness. Once she does find someone, even if he is entirely the wrong person, she quickly falls in love. She prematurely thinks, “I finally found someone who (loves me, gives me attention, cares about my needs, etc.).”   People who fall in love before they really even know their partner, are almost always needy. Even after they get to know their partner, they may see him in distorted ways–as being more wonderful than he is, as being vastly superior to all other men, or as caring more than he does. She may even hold on to and idolize a man who emotionally or physically left her a long time ago

Any man will be attracted to you if he thinks you have what he needs. Likewise, you will also be attracted to men who have what you need.

A need is as an internal motivation that causes us to search for a solution. Picture yourself walking through a hot desert with no water. The thirstier you get, the more you will focus on water. A person who is hungry enough will search through garbage cans for food. A person who is lonely enough or dejected enough will be attracted to any man who shows interest in her. The longer she has felt dejected and alone, the longer she will put up with mistreatment. If she has always felt like she was no good, undeserving, or just fooling people into thinking she is good, then she will put up with any kind of mistreatment as long as, once in a while, he is nice to her. She may be very fearful of her partner cheating on her, but be practically blind to any evidence that he really is cheating on her. The relationship for a very needy person has more to do with what is going on in her head than what is actually going on between her and her partner.

What happens when needy people lose their partners?

Just as a drug user may impulsively dump their drugs in an attempt to be healthy, a person in a bad relationship may impulsively leave her partner.  But, soon, her neediness (physical or emotional) returns.  Unless another man is available who can meet her need, she will get back together with him. Even with a new boyfriend, because of her “love cravings,” the same lack of care in selection will cause her to recreate the same kind of relationship. Different face, same problem.  This pattern can repeat indefinitely, over a lifetime, until she learns to deal with her neediness.

If the needy person’s partner ends the relationship (as typically happens), it will simultaneously create feelings of anguish, anger, and desperation in the needy person. At this point, she will do almost anything to get her partner back. Her desperate behavior is, however, likely to drive her partner even further from her. It is a very pitiful situation for the needy person.

Why men break up with needy women.

Even men who were originally respectful and nice can become more and more disrespectful toward a needy woman. Eventually, they tire of their relationship and the need to manage the anxiety of their needy partner. They often feel more like a father to a teenage daughter than like a partner to an equal. Because of their partner’s behavior, which to them seems childish, they have little respect for her, which makes it really hard to love her, no matter how hard she throws herself at him. Listening to her can become like a job that he has to do to keep her happy. Nice men with needy partners end up being caretakers. Not-so-nice men just get tired of her and dump her after a while.

Overcoming neediness.

Needy people, like anyone else, can change. Change is never easy, and this is doubly true for needy people, but it is possible and very rewarding when it happens. Many of my clients have some amount of neediness that is interfering with their ability to have a better relationship. Many are able to hear the “inner voice” of neediness, easily recognized by all the “what if” messages that keep them worried. “What if he has found someone else?,” What if he is mad at me?” “What if he wants to break up?” and so on. These messages don’t really do anything to protect the relationship, since they prompt behaviors which damage the relationship (such as frequently checking up on their partner, questioning, avoiding sensitive but important topics, complaining, etc.). Overcoming neediness means having a different way of responding to these “What if” questions than using these behaviors. Needy people have no idea how to deal with these kinds of concerns in a non-needy, secure, way. Someone else is needed who can provide a lot of guidance, especially at first, until a new way of responding can be learned. The daily contact I make available to my clients is ideally suited to this kind of high frequency help, especially at the beginning. Once some significant progress has been made, sessions can be phased out. This kind of daily help is included in my coaching packages.

Relating better means moving away from thinking about what should be and becoming more accepting. When the needy person can do this, it draws her partner closer.

Needy women simply do not see their partner as he is. They think of him as he used to be, early in the relationship, or as they want him to be. Then, they react to the difference between that image and any behaviors he does that doesn’t match that image. She can spend a lot of effort trying to get him to fit her ideal image of him. This nonacceptance makes them both feel both sad and angry and is one of the biggest factors that lead to the end of the relationship. My client’s often need a lot of help in learning to see things from their partner’s perspective, which is sometimes completely opposite from their own. They find it surprising that their partners may think about them very little and that most of the things their partners do are unrelated to them. Because needy people tend to live in their thoughts rather than by dealing with reality, they often relate all of their partners actions to themselves. Because she puts him at the center of her world, it comes as a surprise that he puts himself as center of his world. The needy person needs to move more in this direction and be able to take care of herself better, just as he does. Contrary to what needy people believe, this actually makes the relationship stronger and closer. It’s a real 180 degree turn from their normal world view.

“What changes result from overcoming neediness?”

Because she is not afraid of his answers, and no longer needs to “walk on eggshells,” she is able to talk to him more comfortably about many things she avoided before. He can also feel more comfortable talking to her. He doesn’t have to be careful not to set off her insecure behavior. The result is that they are able to get to a deeper level of communication, and on a more equal level. She learns how to take him at his word and to stop mind-reading and assuming. The more success she has in handling things she doesn’t want to hear, the more secure she becomes. She learns that it is unpleasant, but not dangerous, and that dealing with real things is a lot easier than dealing with imagined things. It becomes more ok to have differences. The relationship becomes more normal, because in healthy relationships people always have a lot of differences.

These changes don’t happen overnight.

We usually go through a period of at least a few weeks where my clients need support on a daily basis. They are struggling with their fears as well as their anger. They have urges to tell their partner off as they become more aware of how he really is, and they also have times where they just feel like giving up. All of this is a natural part of change, but it is still a hard thing to go through. Knowing they can contact me every day makes a difference to them. In our daily contact, I try to get them out of their world of thoughts and into the real world as much as possible. They also need skills for doing things they have never done before, like being assertive without being aggressive, or how to express their needs without complaining.

Overcoming neediness also involves learning to communicate in a new way.

Needy people have often developed communication habits that prevent other people from being honest and open with them. Not only their partners, but their coworkers, friends, and family may have learned to be careful with them. Needy people need to learn how to have openness without overreacting; they most need practice in dealing with answers they really don’t like. For example, instead of being afraid of her boyfriend telling her that he is not as attracted to her anymore, I help her to practice responding to that message in a way that will promote the relationship. Even if he never says it, she becomes less fearful of it happening. For this and other messages, she may need help learning to hear him clearly, without adding a lot of mind reading, and she may need to learn how to say she really appreciates his honesty. Although there are things she doesn’t want to hear, it is important for her to be able to do that, so her relationship can become more emotionally intimate. All of her other relationships will benefit as well.

The most surprising thing that needy people learn in relationship coaching is that changes they make, change others.

Needy people feel like victims because they give up all of their power and see themselves as helpless to change the way their relationships go. They live in a world of “if only.” “If only my husband spent more time with me,” “If only my dad would give me the respect he gives to my sisters,” “If only my boyfriend would talk more affectionately to me,” etc. As they learn more and more how to make changes in themselves, they find that other people respond to them differently. Ironically, by needing less they end up getting more of what they originally wanted from others. As they make changes, they get respected, they feel more important, their partners want to be with them more, and they get more affection.

How to Get Your Boyfriend to Marry You

Men and women don’t marry for the same reasons. Here’s how you can motivate him to want to put that ring on your finger.

 

Men and women are equal, but they are different. Take a moment to think about why your boyfriend is in a relationship with you and why he would want to commit to marriage.

 

Be careful not to assume that you and your boyfriend are in your relationship for the same reason.  Much of the time, women are in relationships because of romantic commitment while men are in relationships because of convenience and companionship. If you want to be sure that you are more than just a convenient companion, you need to ignore his word and look at his behavior. Does he make an effort to make you feel important and does he make his relationship with you a priority over others? If he doesn’t, you don’t have to give up your hopes for marrying him, but you will need to work on earning his respect. Until you do that, you are emotionally replaceable in his mind. 

Showering him with love may lower his desire to marry you

Women are attracted to men who make them feel safe and secure. So, when men are loving, it naturally increases women’s desire to commit. Men, on the other hand, don’t have the same natural attraction to security. Men will like it if you show passion and infatuation, but it won’t move them toward commitment. In fact, the more you show these things, the less likely they are to commit.

Women who attempt to love their boyfriends into commitment often end up feeling like they are giving much more than they are getting.  It often turns out that the more they give, the less valued they are by their boyfriends.  Biologically, men are hunters and get turned on by the chase more than they do by the capture. This is one reason men are less passionate after they marry.

Women who throw themselves at men are usually thrown away by men.

Men and women don’t think the same way

Because men and women are motivated differently, they often misunderstand each other’s behavior. Many women expect that what motivates them also motivates their boyfriends.  So, if they feel more attached and committed when their boyfriends help them feel loved, they assume that their boyfriends will also attach more strongly if they make their boyfriends feel really loved.  Instead, when men feel really loved, it often makes them relax to the point of working very little on the relationship.  They may shift their focus to hobbies, friends, or even work. In essence, they take their girlfriends for granted–as often happens in marriages.

Obviously men do marry, but why?

One reason men marry because they believe marriage will bring them something they don’t already have.  Historically, a regular sex partner has been one of the most common motivations for men.  Although things have changed and sex is more widely available to men, there are still many men who have not been so successful in this area and are motivated by this idea.  If this is the major motivation for marriage, this motivation will decrease as the relationship continues.  It’s not a bad motivator, but it’s not enough for the long term.

Some men really are family men and are eager to get married

Other men marry because they like the idea of having their own family.  These men may be the most similar to women in regard to their desire for marriage.  Men who have never been married are more likely to fall into this group than previously married men, but older men can also fall into this category.  The most likely candidates among older men are men who have never had children.  The desire to have children increases in both men and women who don’t have children, as they get older.  This happens more strongly for women because of the age limits on having babies.

Most men are loss averse, they marry because they don’t want to lose a good thing

Most men do not marry for either of these reasons.  And, if you are thinking the main reason is love, you are only partially correct.  His love for you is much more important than your love for him in regard to his desire to marry you. The most important consideration is marriage needs to be a way for him to not lose you. In other words, marriage is part of the chase. It has very little to do with his dreams for the future. It’s not commitment, romance, and playing house that he is after. He just can’t stand the idea of being without you.

For women, the desire for security leads to marriage. For men, insecurity leads to marriage.

Why he may be resisting marrying you

Now, let’s see how this gender difference is impacted by what you do.  If you work really hard to make your boyfriend feel loved, he may feel very secure in his relationship with you.  That means he can relax his behavior.  If you continue to shower him with love no matter what he does, he will be very secure, as well as lose respect and attraction for you. He will stay with you because it is convenient, but remain at risk for leaving you for someone else more alluring.

Also, if you complain about his behavior but set no boundaries around it, he knows at a subconscious level that he has got you. Unlike women, men respond to behavior more than words. If you complain, but your actions still are very needy, your words will have no effect. Not only that, but complaining is very irritating to men. It feels controlling. There is no way that you are going to complain yourself into a marriage.

So, how can you get him to want to marry you?

Getting commitment from men turns out to be something that secure women do naturally.  They love their boyfriends and share their positive feelings freely without concerns about being misunderstood or blamed.  They never tolerate bad behavior from or make excuses for their boyfriends.  This combination of behaviors makes the woman appear both valuable and desirable. 

Secure women are not whiners or complainers that men have to satisfy.  But, they bring out the best part of men because they accept nothing less.  They are loving, but not overly giving or enmeshed.  And they will walk away if they are not getting what they want.  Such women get the best men and quickly.  Men would rather marry her than lose her.  It’s her willingness to be loving and secure, to not be controlling, and to walk away, that creates the desire in men to marry her. 

Becoming a secure woman who gets commitment from men

Many of the women who come to me have boyfriends who are less committed to the relationship than they are.  They are often using some combination of complaining and loving to try to “reform” their boyfriends and get them to be more committed—but without success.  To help such women, we work on creating the boundaries that get them respect, while also helping their boyfriends to feel loved, but replaceable.  It’s a hard transition for many women to make.  After all, women who feel like they are replaceable are less attracted to their boyfriends.  But, because of gender differences, the opposite is true for men.  With respect, a valuable loving presence, and the willingness to walk away from the relationship, men want to commit. 

You need to be the prize instead of making men feel like they are the prize

No matter how much you love your boyfriend, if he imagines that he could have someone just as good if he didn’t have you, then his desire to marry you is going to be low.  The more you complain about him or tolerate his bad behaviors just proves the point that you are not so special.  The more you put him on a throne, the more he will feel like you are one of his subjects.  The more valuable you are, the more special he will feel to have you for his very own and to show you off to others.  Instead of making men feel like you badly need them, it is more effective to make them feel like they badly need you. Men act on their desires–not yours. 

Need to become less needy?

 

Attract Men for Long Term Relationships and Marriage

The average man is not attracted to a woman for her relationship potential. But, you don’t have to settle for attracting the average man.

 

Everyone naturally wants to be attractive and have a wonderful relationship.

You do, I do, and your next door neighbor does.  The great thing about that is there are a lot of people who would want to have a relationship with you, if they thought you were the right person for them.  And you probably pass many people each day who would be a great partner for you.  How can you attract the right men and not the needy ones, scary ones, or players?

When Denise started coaching, she already realized that there were many men attracted to her and  more than willing to date her. She talked about how that had been fine for awhile, because she hadn’t been in any hurry to “settle down” or  find a life partner.  Now though, things were different.  She had started a career she liked and attracted the interest of several of the men at her company.  She sensed that going out with these men would just lead to problems or to more  temporary relationships.

When I asked Denise why she had attracted these particular men, she didn’t know what I meant.

I pointed out to her that she wasn’t attracting all the men—just a certain type of man.  The kind of man she had experience with before.  Denise admitted that she really hadn’t thought about that, but perhaps  there was something about her that attracted these men and not the others.

Much of attraction goes on at a subconscious level. We become attracted to someone before we think about it.  And we also send out signals to some people that say, “the door is open,” while we signal most people that “the door is shut.”  Although people don’t consciously pick up on those signals, they see them clearly and follow them.  If Denise wanted to attract men who were more serious about relationships, she would need to learn to change her signals.  But to do that, she also needed to know what kind of man she wanted long term.

Our work over the next couple of sessions was spent talking about what she had really enjoyed in her relationships so far, and what she had not.

We also got her imagination going about what would be her ideal relationship.  To do that, we played a “the sky is the limit” kind of game where she could use her imaginary magic wand to choose several different men for herself.  Each different, but each offering something to her that was very appealing.

From this work, we were able to see more clearly the characteristics of men that she found most attractive. She found that her ideal men were very different from the men she had dated and she also found it very unrealistic to think that she could have such a man.  I asked her what kind of message she would send to a man who fit what she desired.  Not surprisingly, she said she would probably give him a “the door is shut,” kind of signal.  We instinctively avoid rejection.

Rather than go the counseling route and help Denise to figure out what her self-esteem issues were, I took the relationship coaching approach with her.

I helped her to assume that she was right.  That a man like the one she wanted would probably not be attracted to her.  We already knew what kind of men were interested in her and they did not match her ideal man.  So, there was no reason to suspect she was wrong.

“What would a woman need to do or be to attract a man like that?  Like your ideal man?” Those men are obviously attracted to some kind of woman, after all. We made up a list of characteristics.  She determined that to get the kind of attention she wanted, from the kind of man she wanted, she would need to make some changes.  She would need to be able to identify them, and to initiate conversations differently.  She also discovered that she would need to be more assertive to become more attractive to the kind of man who wanted to commit to her.  That was a big change from what she had been doing. Passivity and aggressiveness tend to attract men who don’t want to commit, while being assertive tends to attract men who like to commit.

At this point, Denise had a clear picture of the kind of men she wanted to attract.

She knew generally where such men worked and what their interests were.  She also knew the changes she would need to make just to attract men like that.  But more than that, she knew the kind of woman that she would need to be to become a good partner for such a man.  She was able to see that finding a good partner has a lot to do with being the right partner for the person you desire. If you want a prince, you need to be a princess. If you want a player, you only have to be a “playee.”

The big question remaining for Denise was?  “Is that the kind of woman you want to be?”  It was an easy question for her.  She hadn’t liked the way that she had previously been in her relationships and how she handled things when problems started.  “I really feel like I was too emotional, too desperate.  I can see now how that would really turn off the kind of man that I’m interested in.”

Denise didn’t know how to make the changes she needed to, but she was ready to learn.

I helped her with the basics both for becoming more like the woman she wanted to become and for giving the “door is closed” message to the men who she knew were wrong for her. We talked about her first steps to interact with some men she met at a business seminar.  She had been really nervous, but she did well and I was proud of her, too.

Of course, there were more things she needed to do, like stopping her romanticizing of her past relationships.  When she found herself missing the attention that she got before with the wrong partners, she would remind herself of the hurt that it had come to and how she could have better than that.  She didn’t want to miss out on Mr. Right while she was spending her time with Mr. Wrong.

Relationship coaching does involve a little counseling as you see, in terms of support, and connecting as human beings.

But, mostly it involves getting real about what you have been doing and what you need to be doing instead.  We don’t get what we want by waiting for it.  It takes action for that.

Discover more about what actions would be good for your love life 

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