Relationship Coach Blog

Have you ever learned anywhere that it’s good to be jealous? If you are a person who has any jealousies, it is worth looking for the answer to that question.  If you are a religious person, I can certainly tell you that you won’t find this teaching in any of the major religious texts.  The Bible, for example, condemns jealousy as being uncharacteristic of someone who loves another.

One of the main reasons that jealousy persists in the minds of people is due to their basic insecurities. They fear losing what they perceive as belonging to them.  Envy, on the other hand has to do with a desire to have something that is perceived to belong to someone else.  I say perceived, because nothing in this life is every truly owned.  At best, we have a “rental contract” that expires at the time of death.  We lose most things in life long before that, however.

In regards to long term relationships, the feeling that you own your partner will give rise to anger, control, and jealousy.  These stand directly in the way of self expression by your partner, so sharing of thoughts and feelings will be minimal.  Our attempts to own our partner actually prevent us from having more of what we want-a good relationship with our partner.  The more controlling, jealous, or angry we are, the more our partner is repelled by us.

In order to begin to draw your partner toward you, you need to give up your jealousy.  Giving up jealousy does not put you more at risk, although it may seem scary at first.  Instead, it helps to strengthen the bond of your relationship by increasing your partner’s desire to be with you.  To begin to give up jealousy, you will need to embrace, at a cognitive and emotional level, the freedom of your partner to do as he or she pleases.  If this brings a gut reaction from you to say “no way,” then you are in the habit of pushing your partner away.

The fact is, we have no control over our partner’s behavior or thoughts.  Even if you can force someone to a certain set of behaviors like always being by your side, you cannot force someone’s thoughts to be there too.  If you could force someone to be with you emotionally and physically all the time, then you could not have the satisfaction of knowing he or she has chosen to be with you.  Until you grant freedom, there is no possibility for you to feel a great depth of love from your partner.

Write down any areas where you feel jealous.  Tell your partner that you are no longer going to feel jealous in those areas and are not going to try to control his or her behavior.  You recognize that your partner is an adult with the power to choose to be with you or not and that you don’t need to be responsible for his or her behavior.

Giving up jealousy does not mean that your partner can now do anything he or she wants without it impacting the relationship.  Of course, what he or she does will impact the relationship.  This would also be true for anyone else-a friend, parent, sibling, coworker, employer, etc.  But just as you trust them and do not attempt to control them, so you are not going to attempt to control your partner-either with actions or with thoughts.

In my relationship with my wife, we have no jealousies.  That has drawn us very close together as we can talk about anything.  Temptations are part of life and being able to talk to each other about them helps us to resist them.  Knowing that we can talk to each other about anything makes us very valuable for each other, as we don’t have that with anyone else.

It is not so hard to replace a jealous, controlling, person.  They abound.  But, it would be very hard to find a replacement for someone who loves, listens, cares, and allows us the freedom to think and be ourselves.  Such people are rare.  Any man or woman would be much more careful to keep someone like this.  When you are like this for your partner, you help to make yourself irreplaceable.

Dr. Jack Ito is a clinical psychologist and relationship coach.  To obtain individual counseling for your relationship, visit his website at www.greatrelationshipcoach.org

Because I wanted to get a lot of things out of life, and realizing I had a limited lifespan, I really worked hard to make my dreams come true.  But it always seemed like while I was working really hard, there were other people who were hardly working.  And they were getting what I wanted.

You see, like many Americans, I grew up with the mistaken teaching that hard work is the key to success. If I had known how to accurately observe people around me at that time, I could have seen that it wasn’t true.  Just why did I believe people who told me that working hard would get me what I wanted?  I think the reason was because I was ready to work hard and knew that I could work hard.

One of the most amazing things that I learned from all my years of education (25 in all) is that I did not need to work hard to get what I wanted. In fact, working hard is often counterproductive to getting what we want.  That’s because we spend our time working hard at something that really does not  lead to what we want while we could be doing a few, specific, key techniques to get what we want.

Well, fortunately, I did not learn too late. I now have a lot of what I want, including a great relationship.  I have never had a relationship as amazingly good as the one that I have now with my wife.  I can honestly say it is not because I am working hard, or she is working hard.  It is because we are focusing on the most important things-the things that really matter, while we let all else go.

This may sound like only one thing, but if you are paying attention, it is two: 1) doing what matters; and 2) letting everything else go.  The fact is that you can’t have it all.  That means that you need to let go what you can’t have in order to get what you can.  And then do the things that really matter for getting it.  Or else you will end up with nothing but an empty box of dreams.

Every day I help people to get in touch with this basic reality and to start getting what they want.  I can help you to.  You have everything to gain and nothing significant to lose by working with me for just one month (four 30 minute meetings).  It’s your life-use it or lose it.

Sheila is a friend of yours and her marriage is going from bad to worse. She wants to save her marriage, but her husband has no interest in working on the marriage-only in blaming her.  What’s your advice for Sheila?

1. Give up on the marriage
2. Keep trying to work things out by herself
3. Go to counseling
4. Get a relationship coach

Let’s consider these choices:

Give up on the marriage-This is an easy answer, but not an easy solution.  It is not in line with what Sheila wants.  There is no guarantee that her life will be better if she gets a divorce.

Keep trying to work things out by herself-Sheila’s attempts to do so have not worked up till now, so there’s no reason to expect that her continuing to try by herself is going to make anything better.  What she is trying may even be part of the reason that things are getting worse.

Go to counseling-Since counselors are problem focused, most of them will recommend divorce unless the husband is willing to participate in counseling.  This may force the husband into counseling, but also may force a divorce.

Get relationship coaching-Since coaches are skilled at working with individuals to make relationships better, the husband won’t have any pressure to participate.  Stress levels will stay low as Sheila learns to effectively manage her husband’s behaviors and reactions to her.

The first two options are the most expensive and least effective, since they result in losing the relationship.  The second two will cost some money, but have a better chance for saving the relationship.

The last option will result in skills that can be applied for a lifetime. Sheila will have less need for professional help in the future.

Make the wise choice for your relationship.  Get relationship coaching before it is too late.

Which of the following choices do you believe would help your relationship the most?

1. Doing nothing and hoping that things get better?
2. Getting opinions from many other people who have equally bad relationships?
3. Reading a book on relationship improvement written by a professional?
4. Working one on one with a professional who will help you to pinpoint the specific help you need and continue to work with you until things are the way you want them?

Effective actions precede success.

Get relationship coaching here.

Do you have unlimited emotional resources? Can you feel strongly all the time about everything?  In fact, you cannot.  Just as we have limited attention spans, so we have limited ability to feel things.  Intense feelings are fueled by hormones in our body, be they adrenaline or testosterone.  As soon as these hormones are secreted into our bloodstreams, they start to be reabsorbed.  We can maintain a heightened emotional state only until our glands have secreted their store of hormones.  When these hormones are depleted, we feel tired.

What this means is that the more of your emotional resources that you use for negative things like anxiety, anger, and frustration, the less you have left for things like joy, happiness, and vitality.  The same hormones which fuel fear can also fuel excitement, but not if they are depleted because we are constantly fretting.

In order to experience more joy in your life, you need to give up experiencing the negative things.  You can’t have both.  What this means is that you are going to need to learn how to let go of regrets, old issues with other people, complaints about the world, and attempts to control others.  The more free and relaxed you can feel and the more free that you can allow others to be (no matter how much their opinions or actions differ from your own), the more you will be able to experience joy in your life.

Experience success, experience coaching.

There are certain human characteristics that are useless for relationships.  Among them are trying to control others, jealousy, and complaining.  There are more, but this will suffice for now.

Complaining is an action that creates emotional distance between you and whoever you are complaining about.  You don’t even need to complain in front of their face.  Complaining about someone (such as your partner) to a friend or even to yourself will decrease the strength of your emotional attachment to your partner.

If I were to give you an electric shock every time you heard the name of your partner mentioned, you would come to associate the name of your partner with the shock.  When you complain about your partner, you are likewise conditioning yourself to feel worse about your partner.

When you complain directly to your partner, it is like giving the both of you shocks.  You condition yourself and your partner to want to get the heck away from each other.  You can nag someone into action sometimes, but you will never be able to nag them into loving you more.

Take a long, hard look at what you are both gaining and losing by complaining. Many have killed their relationships bit by bit by complaining.  Make sure that you don’t become one of these statistics.

If your partner is doing terrible things, complaining is not an effective way to deal with it. You will need to learn what is.  A relationship coach can help you to build a better relationship with your partner.  Don’t want a coach?  Better make sure your way is better.

If you think that these blog posts contain the answer to your relationship problems, then you are mistaken. You will not find such answers here or anywhere else on the internet.  Because relationships vary among people, have multiple variables, and continue indefinitely, there are no solutions that lead either to fixing your problems or ensuring that you have a great relationship.

Did you ever wonder why people go to counseling for months? Or work with a relationship coach for months?  Do you think it is because they are getting so many solutions that it just takes a great deal of time to hear them all?  And then once a person has collected all of their solutions they can just apply them and be all set?

Solutions only work for finite things. Two plus two equals four.  “Four” is the solution.  Once you have it, there is nothing left to do.  The solution to “two plus two” is the same for everyone, everywhere.  The solution is widely available.  This you can look up on the internet.  Once you have the solution, you can move on to something else like “three plus two”.

But, when you start asking “how” kinds of questions, then you need a process and not a solution. “How do I bake a loaf of bread?” does not yield any simple answer.  It depends on what kind of bread you want, what kind of equipment you have, your level of bread making skills, and the quality of your ingredients just to mention a few things.  Even knowing all of this, though, it takes time and practice to become good at baking bread.  If you want to be really good at it, you will need to train with a baker.  How much more complicated do you think a relationship is?

Some people ask, “How do I get my spouse or boyfriend to want to reconcile with me?” That is a great question, but you are not going to be able to find a “solution”.  This question is a “how” question and calls for a process.  Details about your particular situation have to be taken into account, skills must be transmitted to you, and you have to put these skills into use for an extended period of time.

So, you will not find any “solutions” for fixing your relationship or having a great relationship on the internet. While you are searching for solutions, your relationships will continue to falter.  You don’t need to take my word for it.  Just keep a watch on what happens to your relationships while you search for the solutions.  People who live in the real world learn to look at the results of their actions.

If you want to really make your relationships better, you will need to learn a better method for dealing with them.  You can go to counseling or get relationship coaching.  It just depends on whether you want to be problem focused (counseling) or growth focused (coaching).

Frustration is a feeling. Like all feelings, it is connected with a particular cause and suggests particular action.

We feel frustrated when we are trying to do or get something and we are unable to. This is different from simply wanting something.  Wanting something without taking action creates feelings of desire or envy, not frustration.  Some people avoid frustration simply by avoiding trying to get or do things.  That will help you to not be frustrated, but it will not help you to get what you want.  We must always risk temporary frustration in order to get what we desire.

If you are frustrated, it means that the method that you are using to get what you want is not working. It doesn’t matter if you are trying to find a job, improve your grades, lose weight, or improve your relationship.  Frustration always indicates that your method is not working.

Once frustrated, there are various ways to deal with the situation, most of them useless or harmful.  One of the most popular, yet useless, ways to cope with frustration is by trying harder.  Well, if you try harder to use an ineffective method, it does not become effective.  It will just increase your frustration.  Other popular, useless, coping methods are to blame someone or something for your lack of success or to procrastinate.  Neither of these methods, of course, will help you to get what you want.

After trying really hard for a long time and having a lot of frustration, people give up. They then become ready to end their relationship or whatever it was that they were seeking to improve or get.  Giving up is also not helpful for getting what you want, although it will end the frustration.  Give up on your relationship and you can experience “grieving” rather than “frustration”.

The only way to cope with frustration successfully and get what you want is to stop using ineffective methods and instead use effective methods.  It may be cheaper to rub two sticks together to make a campfire, but it is a lot less frustrating to invest in a lighter and some fire starter fuel.

To effectively improve your relationship, you need to learn and practice relationship building skills.  To get effective relationship building skills, you need to hire someone who can help you with your particular situation. Get the skills you need with relationship coaching.  Frustration is not a necessary part of life.

Let’s face it, there is no way to guard someone else’s mind. If your partner is thinking of doing something that will be harmful to your relationship, you don’t have any control over it.  Even if you found out about it, you still have no power to take control of his or her thinking.  The most effective place to put your focus is on your own thoughts and behaviors.

When you are at your best, you become a very valuable partner. Your partner may choose to leave you or do something to mess up the relationship, but when you are at your best, he or she is risking losing a very good thing.  At your best, you become very hard to replace.

When you are moody and unpredictable, you become a threat to the security of your partner.  Although the best move for your partner would not be to leave you, but to get help with the relationship, many people choose not to do that.  Even if your partner does nothing, he or she may emotionally pull away from you.  This puts him or her at a much greater risk for succumbing to the temptation of an affair.  Or, your partner may just decide to leave one day.  It is a common occurrence.

Will being your best ensure a good relationship?  Of course not. But being your worst will ensure that you do not have a good relationship.

Start by asking yourself, “If I were my partner, what things about me would attract me to the relationship, and which things would tend to repel me?”  “What makes me a better catch than someone else?”

Of course, instead of doing all this, you can just come up with reasons to not do anything.  You can blame your partner for various things, tell yourself that any changes you make won’t make any difference, or simply proclaim that others should love you for the way you are.  All of these thoughts are ways of avoiding personal responsibility (i.e., avoidance).

Sometimes the truth comes like a slap in the face. But, if that helps you to wake up and make choices that make your life better, it will be well worth the sting.  Get real, get working, and get the help you need to get what you want in life.  Otherwise, you won’t get it.

To make everything in your life better, have a focused, positive, and energetic attitude.

Your food will taste better if you really try to savor it.  Even a glass of water is more refreshing.

One kiss is pretty much like any other unless you kiss with a really enthusiastic attitude.  Your partner will notice the difference!

You will enjoy your job more if you are enthusiastic and positive.  Grumblers always have long days.  People with enthusiastic attitudes are more productive and their day passes more quickly.

Being enthusiastic and positive is a skill. That means that if you are not used to being that way, it will be difficult at first, but get easier the more you do it.  At first, you will have to “make” yourself be that way.  After a while, you will just naturally be that way.

This really is how to make your life better. Remember, if you want to get what you want (presumably a better relationship), then you have to do what it takes.  Doing what comes naturally will get you only what you already have and more of the same.  Learn many more skills with a relationship coach.