Relationship Coach Blog

A first date should be exciting, not scary.  There are both internal and external reasons for dating anxiety.  To think more successfully, to feel more successful, and to have more success when dating, we need to deal with both internal and external anxieties.

Internal fears about a first date come from our histories-both what we have experienced and what we have learned by observation.  One of the best ways to be more realistic and reduce fear at the same time is to remind yourself of how this date is different from past dates.  For example, you are older and more experienced than before, your date is also different from the person you were with before.  Also, your situation is not the same as your friend’s situation.  Remind yourself of how it is different.  The more you can disconnect this date from previous bad experiences, the less anxious you will feel.

On the other hand, considering how the positive aspects of this date are like the positive aspects of previous dates can increase your excitement and interest in the date.  You can remember how you were nervous with so-and-so, but then the night got romantic and it became one of your wonderful memories.  Maybe you will also remember some good things you did before that helped to make the date special for you.  Then, you can concentrate on doing that again.

External fears are caused by the situation itself.  Having a first date in a dark, private, place for example is not safe.  Doing something more intimate than your relationship or emotions are ready for will also increase anxiety and is also not emotionally safe.  External fears can be decreased by meeting in a public place, arranging to check in with a friend or get a call from a friend during the date who can help you if necessary, and making sure the first date is relatively short.  Another good reason for a short first date is to minimize the mess up factor.  Short dates are harder to mess up.

Other good safety precautions for a first date include being sure of your date’s identity, giving a friend written information about who you are going on a date with, being sure that your date knows beforehand that you have disclosed that information to a friend, and meeting at a public place rather than riding together. If your date has problems with this behavior, then become more cautious or refuse the date.  People who are seriously interested in you will be understanding and patient.

Your relationship coach is an expert on dating.  Including him or her in the process can help you to feel more confident and secure.  You can also prepare to have more success in those areas that often give you trouble.