Relationship Coach Blog

Sometimes we really don’t want to know if someone loves us. We want to believe it but not to really know. I agree that there are times when we meet someone new that words and actions are just play. But, what if one person is serious? How can she know that she isn’t just being played? Even when a relationship has gone on for a long time, it’s important to know if our partner still loves us. And while we’re at it, how can we know that we still love our partner? And is there a difference from “feeling in love” and “really loving” someone?

Infatuation feels the same as love. Because of that, someone may sincerely say they love you although they are merely infatuated. Infatuation is a strong desire for another person. If someone is infatuated with you, they need you more than they love you. People can be infatuated with musicians, movie stars, and the people they are dating. People who are infatuated with you will often not see you accurately. They have a particular image of you and want you to fit that image. If you fall in love easily, you are probably having infatuations rather than real love.

Here are some tried methods and a true method for determining real love:

1. The Daisy Method. Did you ever learn the love-me-love-me-not game that you play with daisies? You pull one flower petal off, saying alternately “(s)he-loves-me,” or “(s)he-loves-me-not” for each petal.  What you have said when the last petal is pulled off supposedly determines whether the person you are thinking of loves you or not. This method has been found to be unreliable in laboratory studies.
2. Trusting what our partner says. Saying “I love you,” is like tying a necktie. The first time is really difficult. The more you say it, the easier it becomes. In fact, it is too easy for some people to say. If your partner has said “I love you,” to everyone they have ever dated, how special would that make you feel? How about if you were the only one he or she has said this to? And, can someone really love you before they really know you? In a long term relationship, “I love you,” can be no more than habit or an expected response.  This method is even less reliable than using daisies.
3. Seeing what our partner does. True love is expressed by actions which are in the best interest of the person who is loved.  If you think your partner doesn’t love you because she doesn’t do everything you want, you are mistaken. Giving someone whatever they want is no more an act of love than giving candy to children for dinner.  When your partner does things which are in your long term best interest or in the best interest of your long term relationship with him, it can rightly be considered love. So, if your boyfriend doesn’t want to see you every day because he knows that will lead to relationship burnout, it is an act of love. It may not feel good (children want to have candy for dinner), but may be healthy and loving.

Is what your partner does in your best interest? Make a list of the actions that he or she does that are in your best interest.  The more you come up with, the more you are loved. For example, “listens to me, understands my needs, makes sure I have time for myself, wants me to have other friends, etc.”

What if you never hear “I love you”? It’s easy to get too happy because of words or too sad because of a lack of them.  Women, especially, tend to get overly focused on words. Saying or not saying “I love you,” does not indicate the presence or absence of love. Neither does any single action a person takes indicate they love or don’t love you. If you wish to truly understand another (and yourself), look for behavior patterns. Even a person who loves you deeply may sometimes lose their temper or make a bad decision.

If real love is disappearing from your relationship you can get started with a coach to rekindle the love while there is still time. Click here to get started with relationship coaching at a very reasonable rate.