Relationship Coach Blog

Because we live “inside” ours heads, we often don’t stop to check how the world sees us.  Others see only what we do and hear only what we say. Our thoughts are only recognized by us while our words and actions are mostly recognized by others.  Because of this difference, it’s easy for us to think more highly of ourselves than others think of us.

It’s also easy for us to draw the wrong conclusions about ourselves from the way others react to us.  If they are uninterested in us, then we tend to think of ourselves as inferior to others.  But, usually when others are not interested in us, it is because we are uninteresting-not because we are inferior.

This is a self-perpetuating cycle.  We show little that would interest others.  They, in turn, show little interest in us.  We conclude that we are somehow unworthy (or that others are dumb not to see how wonderful we are) and decrease our efforts to interest others.  And so on.

We are the only ones who can end this cycle.  First, we must see ourselves more as others do.  Secondly, we must change what we do and say to more accurately show who we are.  That is, we must become less phony.  On the other hand, if the real you is uninteresting or unattractive, then you need to work on having a more interesting life.  If you bore yourself, you can’t possibly interest others!

To see yourself more accurately from others’ perspectives:

1. Write a list of the names of people you care about or are interested in.
2. After their name, try to write a list of adjectives describing  how you think that person sees you.  For example, do you think your wife sees you as “generous, a good listener, and handy” or as “controlling, stubborn, and short-tempered”?
3. Do the same for the other people on your list. Make similar descriptions for your children, coworkers, friends, etc.  You are likely to have both good and bad adjectives about yourself.
4. Next, evaluate how accurate you believe those adjectives to be.
5. If you think they have the wrong image of you, what can you do to change that image?  You are not going to change their viewpoint by telling them they have the wrong image of you.

When you change what you say and do to more accurately reflect yourself, you will have quick success with people you meet for the first time.  After all, they never knew the “other” you.  But, with people who have known you for a while, it will take time for them to change their opinion of you.  You must expect that it will take at least 3 months of consistent new behavior from yourself for others to see you in a new way.

People either see you as worse than you are, as you are, or better than you are.  The first requires you to work on your presentation. The second is fine as long as you are an interesting and attractive (of which physical attractiveness is only a small part) person.

If people see you as better than you are, there is no need to burst their bubble.  They may see what you could potentially be.  That may help you to improve yourself.  Also, they will tend to see you more realistically the longer they know you.  Enjoy the spotlight while it lasts.

To be interesting and attractive to others, you need to be interested in your life and develop your best qualities.  You also need to show this to others.  If your life is not this way and you believe that the only way you can attract others is to fool them, then it is time to get to work–on yourself.  Loneliness is a self-inflicted wound.

Would you like my help? We can work on your attractiveness and your presentation.  We can turn things around for you.  Get the Introduction to Relationship Coaching Package to get started.