How to change a belief; an example of removing jealousy
Our beliefs are the basis for our actions. They are the underlying “program” of our minds that allow us to carry on our day to day lives with little thinking at all. It is only when people’s beliefs cause some sort of emotional problem or conflict with the environment that we question them at all.
For example, if you believe that it is safe to drive to work, you will do so without much fuss about it. If, on the other hand, you think you are likely to be killed on the way to work, it would be very difficult for you to do. You can see why people with paranoia have a hard time functioning in society and paint their windows black.
The person with paranoia does not think that it is his thinking that causes his problems, but the actual danger of other people spying on him and being out to get him. Although our beliefs may not be as stressful as someone with paranoia, they will be as deceptive. We always think our beliefs are right, even when they may be causing us serious problems.
Consider for example, the belief, “Someone may take my wife from me.” This seems plausible to many people, but it is actually an unhelpful belief in that it only leads to harmful behavior. Jealousy has no place in a healthy relationship. Neither will it fix an unhealthy one.
To change such a belief, we need to “overwrite” it with a better belief. Here are some possibilities. “I don’t own my wife, so no one can take her from me. She could choose to leave me, and is more likely to if I try to control her;” “I could lose my wife in many ways such as to accident, illness, or infidelity. Loving her rather than controlling her makes the best of our relationship now and will make dealing with any problems we have later easier.”
To overwrite the old belief, write out your new belief as well as your old belief (e.g. “I need to control my wife to safeguard our relationship”). List the advantages and disadvantages of both the old and new beliefs. This is to convince the unconscious part of your mind of the benefit of the new belief. Then, memorize the new belief and say it to yourself several times a day, aloud. The result will be a new belief that can lead to healthier behavior for your relationship.
Working with a relationship coach can help you to look at the impact of your beliefs on your relationships. You can decide what you need to change about your thinking or behavior in order to live a life that makes you feel happier and more fulfilled.
Posted: February 21st, 2009 under Help for Singles, Improving Relationships, Marriage Counseling, Relationship Coaching, Relationship Conflict, Relationship Skills.
Tags: beliefs, jealousy