Relationship Coach Blog

Do you tell your partner what you need or what you want?  Many people who say “yes” to this question are actually telling their partner what they don’t want and making them guess what they do want.

“You never sit down and talk with me anymore,” is not a request for better communication.  It is a complaint that will create distance rather than get you more of what you want.  Complaining has never been an effective way to communicate desire.  Instead, it is a way to communicate our displeasure with the other person.  The result is rejection and distancing.

“I would like you to sit and talk with me,” is a request for an action that you desire.  It is not rejecting.  It is not distancing.  Our fear of the other person’s refusal may make it hard to say, but it is the best chance we have of getting what we want. 

What we instinctually do with strangers is what we need to do with our partners.  Would you say to a stranger, “You like to stand in my way,” or would you say, “Would you please move so that I can get through?”  Would you say to a prospective date, “You don’t seem to notice me and haven’t asked me out even once,” or “I want to take you out”?  Which would be more positive and effective?

Complaints don’t work with strangers and they don’t work with our partners either.  Be brave and ask or say what you want.  You won’t always get it, but you will get more of what you want more often.