Relationship Coach Blog

Our habits blind us to better choices and actions. We become like investors who continue to pick the wrong stocks because we are good at it. Sometimes we realize that the choices we make, or the choices that we see, stink.  With only bad choices before us, it is easy to become immobilized.

In things are going wrong we risk more by doing nothing  than by making changes. Many people can see this clearly when it comes to their business, but are blind to it in their relationship. But, doing nothing in any bad situation, only makes it worse (we get more of the same when we do more of the same).  In our relationships, inaction will lead to small problems becoming big ones, emotional distance becoming emotional estrangement, and the waterfall of breakup or divorce will loom ever nearer. Clearly, the sooner we take some sort of effective action, the further we’ll stay from that waterfall.

Since our brains are hardwired to resist change, immobilizing questions are played, like a recording, from our subconscious whenever we start to think about working on our relationship problems:  “Relationships involve two people, don’t they?  And whenever there is a relationship problem, it involves both people, doesn’t it?  And doesn’t it matter who started the problem?  After all, if I didn’t start the problem, then why should I be the one to work on the relationship?” These questions make sense, because we are used to them-just like people used to be very comfortable with the idea that the earth is flat.  But, when we change our minds, we change our opportunities.

A more useful set of questions go something like this: “Regardless of how the problems started, I must be doing something to let them grow.  Are there changes that I can make that will limit or stop the destruction?  What parts of this situation are under my control?  Is it really worth my time and effort to wait for my partner to change this situation?  What are the effective ways for a person in my position to manage this situation?” These questions lead to empowerment.  Taking responsibility for the things that are under your control will put you in control.  And, when you are in control, you have the power to change the situation.

If you are still not convinced that you are the one to start taking action, just imagine what will happen if you don’t.  The following questions should help with that:  “How long has this problem been going on?”  “Are things getting better, worse, or staying the same?”  “Do you think your partner is likely to make changes before things get worse?” and “What non-destructive ways do you have to force your partner to make positive changes?” You will quickly figure out that your choices are either to take action yourself or to let the relationship die.

Once we decide to take action, we must still decide which actions to take. But, then, our fear of making things even worse stops us from taking action.  We reason that we may as well wait and hope for the best rather than to make things worse and get blamed for it (by others or ourselves).  “After all, if I’m not the one responsible for our breakup/divorce, then at least I can feel better about that later (kind of a consolation prize)”  There is a better way, though, than looking forward to the future benefits of our breakup.

Rather than be stopped by our fear of failure (the biggest roadblock to all progress), we can use our fear of failure in a productive way.  We can ask ourselves, “Are there ways that are low risk, involve small steps, and that have been successful for other people in the same situation?” Our determination to find these ways will put our negative thinking in full reverse.  We will start to focus on the positive and the effective.  We do not have to figure out the answers ourselves and are better off if we don’t try.  This is because what we think is best is not working.  Recognizing the limits of our knowledge is a sign of wisdom.

An investment manager would not advise you to put all of your money into one high risk fund and hope for the best. Neither would a relationship coach encourage you to take one big action which risks your relationship.  These are the kinds of actions that desperate people take on their own.  And since nonprofessionals cannot take you step by step to success, they will either advise you to make drastic changes (e.g., “divorce the bum”) or to be patient.  But whenever you use a professional to improve your life, you dramatically decrease your risks and dramatically improve your gain.  Do you think a successful person is more or less likely to hire a professional for help?

Relationship coaches are professional consultants who work with you and teach you the skills you need for your exact situation. They save you time and frustration. They show you choices you didn’t see. They get you unstuck. They value your relationship. They help you to take small, effective steps and to stick with them. They significantly reduce your risk of breakup or divorce.  And, they promote low conflict, win-win strategies for you and your partner.  In a relationship, you cannot win if your partner loses.

If your relationship is having problems, then reread this post and answer the questions in it. The facts of the situation will be your best guide as to what action to take next.

To learn more about relationship coaching and how to effectively work on your relationship-even if your partner is unwilling to make any changes–visit www.greatrelationshipcoach.org (a discount is available for first time clients).