Relationship Coach Blog

You want to hear nice words from your partner.  They make you feel warm and fuzzy and if the words are nice enough, they can even make you weak in the knees.  But, when your partner does say some nice words to you, you find yourself doubting if he or she really means it.  The joy that you could have had is tempered by the doubts that you have. This is self sabotaging on a mental level.

There are various reasons why people self sabotage in this situation:

Low self esteem.  It is hard to believe good things others say about you because you don’t believe it.

Low trust relationship.  Your partner says contradictory things or behaves in ways that show that the words are not true.

Guilt.  You feel bad about something you did in the past.  You continue to punish yourself for it by not allowing yourself to feel good.

Another love interest.  You don’t want to feel closer to your partner because you have already decided you want to be with someone else.

Fear of intimacy.  Getting closer may seem risky because of previous bad experiences with someone else.  You therefore have an invisible barrier that blocks other’s attempts to be closer to you.

Lack of forgiveness.  Although your partner is sincere, your anger at some past behavior persists and makes the relationship less enjoyable for both of you, regardless of how hard your partner tries.

For each of these reasons for self sabotaging, there are practical steps that you can take.  Improving relationships is about stopping unhelpful behaviors and starting helpful ones.

If you are self sabotaging, identify with your counselor or relationship coach some positive steps you can take to change so that you can enjoy a more intimate relationship with your partner.