Relationship Coach Blog

What would life be like if you were not shy? How would you present yourself to people?  How much more would others notice you?  How much more of a positive image would people have of you? How many more good friends and relationships could you have?  Would it be easier or more difficult to meet nice people?

Outgoing people can meet others anywhere. They’re not all friendly, but some are.  These are the ones that matter.  Learning that unfriendly people are unfriendly because of something about them is an important lesson for shy people.  We don’t need to fear them or let them be our reason to not meet others.

Think of yourself as a “people farmer”. Farmers always plant more seeds than will grow.  When we sow lots of seeds of friendship and goodwill, some will grow.  Shy people are like farmers who keep their seeds in their pockets.  If just the right person, under just the right conditions, happens to come by, then they will let loose a meek greeting.  Secretly, though, they desire a large crop of friends and a wonderful partner..

See rejection as a blessing. “What if I am rejected or worse?” you might ask.  This would show that you believe being rejected is bad.  Being rejected by people who are not nice is a blessing. It saves us the trouble of a bad relationship. Unfriendly people eliminate themselves from relationships with us. If I say “Hi,” to someone and she looks at me like I am from Mars, then I am glad that I don’t need to waste my time with her.  Someone too troubled to say “Hi,” is too troubled for me.

Understand others. Many kind and nice people also will not respond to you–at first. Relationship skills are in short supply and insecurity abounds.  If you are shy, then you can understand why some people will seem unfriendly (shy people usually come across that way).  Others are not used to someone being friendly to them in a particular situation and need a minute to be put at ease (this you can learn to do with coaching).

Focus on your skills, not the reactions you get. Greeting, starting conversations, setting people at ease, and developing connections are all skills.  If they seem natural for some people, it’s because they have had a lot of practice.  You can become the same way. Stop focusing on what you don’t know and start learning what to do.  The better your skills, the more confident you will be and the more success you will have.

If you are rejected by everyone, then there is a reason. If you want to blame your appearance, fine.  But, the reality is that not everyone will reject you for your appearance.  So, if you stay hung up on blaming your appearance (regardless of how tall/short, old/young, balding/hairy, fat/skinny, etc. you are), you are just holding onto an excuse to remain shy.  Likely reasons are:  you are not meeting enough people, your approach does not match the situation, your body language or facial expression shows something is wrong, you smell bad, or some combination of these.

What if I’m fat, old, balding, etc.? Well, you won’t attract everyone.  But, neither will you if you are moderate size, moderate age, and have a lot of hair.  The gorgeous do attract more people, but have just as many relationship problems, so don’t envy them too much.  Learning to accentuate the positive is a much better use of your time than change to remove such physical features.  Comb your hair neatly, no matter how many you have.  Don’t try to hide what everyone can see.  Appearance counts, but not as much as what you do.

Accurately show off  your positive qualities. People can only see what you show to them.  This goes for people who have known you a long time as well as for people you just meet.  You think that many people at work don’t really know what a wonderful person you are?  Well, you probably aren’t showing them in a way that they can see.  You are the product.  They are the potential buyers.

A relationship coach can help you to overcome shyness and develop relationships in several ways:

• You can learn how to best present yourself. You can be an attractive product.
• You can know what to say when someone talks to you.
• You can make a plan for meeting others and using new skills.
• You can take the plan at a pace you are comfortable with.
• You can get knowledgeable support and encouragement as you progress.
• You can learn how to slow down or accelerate intimacy in new relationships.
• You can create as many friendships as you like.

Don’t waste your time trying to be a pick up artist. That’s not the answer for loneliness.  Pick up artists learn to pick up people who want to be picked up.  They have short term relationships. It is a game for players.  It is not a game that relationship coaches will teach you to play. And being phony will only help you to attract people who like the phony you.

Just being yourself also will not work. If you are not making friends or relationships now, doing more of the same won’t get you anything different.  Develop your qualities and learn to show them off.  If you can’t think of why people would want a relationship with you, then it is time to work on some reasons that people would.  When you know that people who don’t want a relationship with you are missing out, then you are in a great position for making relationships.

If you need more help in meeting people and developing relationships, you can get started with this  introductory relationship coaching package.