Relationship Coach Blog

Communication is vital to relationships.  But communication is not the same as talking. People who are too focused on words ask questions like, “What is it that I need to say to get along better with my partner?”  “What do I need to say to the man I have lived with for the past five years and have just found cheating on me?” ”What can I say to that beautiful woman sitting at the bar that will make her want to take me home with her?” There are no magic words.  There is no word formula that will fix what’s wrong with your relationship.  There are no words that will change a bum into a stud.  If she wants to go home with you, it’s not because of your ability with words.

Whatever we say is meant for the time that we say it. Tomorrow we may say something different.  It doesn’t make what we say now less true.  If my words catch your attention today, I will need new words to catch your attention tomorrow.  Each novel has different words on every page.  Page one leads to page two, but page two had better be different and yet connected.  In relationships, our day to day experiences are connected, but not carried over.  There are no credits than can be applied against a future debt.  All that has gone before is only background for what we do today.

Communication is partly talking and talking means using words which carry meaning. The more connected we are to another emotionally, the more meaning can be carried with a single word. Lovers can say a lot while talking little. They are also quite content to say the same things repeatedly, stimulating each other with their thoughts and silliness. It is their readiness for love rather than their words of love which draws them together.

When relationships grow cold, talking becomes a way to give information. Finances, childcare, and schedules are passed back and forth.  Notes do as well as speech since the same information can be delivered and in a format that is more memorable.  Sometime during this cooling phase of the relationship, partners wonder what happened to the relationship.  Each day becomes distinct. The thread of the relationship seems to have been broken like a novel that is missing its final pages.

Because their talking has changed as the relationship cooled, they often conclude that changing the talking again will heat things back up. Talking, however, does not restore intimacy any more than pick up lines really pick up women.  “Hello,” is enough to pick up a woman (or a man) who is ready to be loved by you, while a Shakespearian sonnet will not help you to pick up someone who is not.  It is the same when that woman is your wife or that man your husband.

If you find that your talking has become factual and informational, it indicates a loss of intimacy. It is the “low on fuel” warning of your relationship.  Talking will not refuel the relationship, but listening will.  Many people love their televisions (or DVD’s, etc.) although they don’t say a word to them.  When they turn on their set, they are ready to be informed, entertained, and emotionally moved.  They are connected in a not so different way from the young lovers.

Listening, combined with a readiness to care and be moved emotionally, creates intimacy. Listening is not about hearing words. Getting your partner to tell you words which you then respond to does not create intimacy. This is just verbal ping pong.  Listening is about hearing the message-whether it is in words or actions.  Even a partner who says nothing, communicates much with his or her actions.

The message of listening is, “You are important to me.” Listening attracts. Is your partner cheating on you?  What’s the message in these actions? A person with no readiness to listen will only get the message of rejection.  A person with a readiness to listen will be able to hear (or see) that they remain important, but their partner wants more than the relationship is currently providing.  It does not make the partner’s actions right, but it is more honest and is a basis for recreating intimacy.

Do you exchange pertinent information with your partner but otherwise do everything separately? You can see and feel the distance, but do you have a readiness to see that your partner still is with you?  Do you have a readiness for the real life drama that your partner struggles with every day?

The whole world is giving you messages, whether it is in words or not. The better you can listen to the messages, the better you can realistically improve your situation.  The key to your success, then, is not words, but a readiness to listen. People who are eager to speak are eager to impose their beliefs on others.  People who are eager to listen are in touch with reality. Strong emotions inhibit our readiness to listen.  Feeling overwhelmed shuts down our ability to listen as well as our desire to listen.  A need to “be right” shuts down our ability to listen.

Getting your mind and life organized, overcoming your insecurities, and having good friends will put you in a state of mind where you can perhaps hear for the first time what your partner has been saying for a long time.  As scary as that is, it can be the beginning of renewed intimacy.

Intimacy starts with you regardless of what your partner is or is not doing. If you would like to work on increasing the intimacy in your relationship, starting a relationship, or would like more help with an unfaithful partner, we can talk one on one.  Doing the right things can make the difference between saving your relationship and losing it.