Relationship Coach Blog

Making the decision to commit isn’t as easy as it used to be.  Too many relationships that started out good, go bad.  Even though your heart tells you that you will be with this person forever, your heart has lied to you before.  Or you have seen it happen to too many other people.  But, staying single (in the uncommitted sense) feels like missing out.

There is  an old  song by Smokey Robinson and the Miracles that goes, “My mama told me you better shop around…”  This is sound advice.  Deciding that you have found the best before you have had a chance to compare is likely to result in regrets later.  It is easy for people to believe they have the best when they have no comparison.  After they have committed and find others who are still better, they start to become dissatisfied with their partner.  Many a partner has “shopper’s remorse.”

The Robinson lyrics go on to say,  ”Before you ask some girl for her hand now, keep your freedom for as long as you can now.”  Can you see the hidden message here?  That commitment means loss of freedom?   It sounds like giving up being able to stroll the countryside in exchange for looking at it through prison bars.  If that is what commitment is about, then why commit at all?  The answer of course is that single people also lose out.

Whether we are single or committed, we lose certain freedoms while gaining others.  When we commit to our partner, we voluntarily give up our freedom to romance others in exchange for the freedom to be with our partner on a daily basis.  Additionally, we gain the potential to build a family and a deeper love with our partner.  It’s very hard to build a deep love with someone you believe is temporary.

Committed people in bad relationships often envy the freedom of singles.  But, people who are in good relationships do not envy singles.  They are thankful that they are no longer single.  The benefits of a good relationship outweigh the benefits of singleness every time.  If you drive a Mercedes, you won’t miss your old Dodge.  But, if your Mercedes is always breaking down, then you might just miss your old Dodge.

The most important consideration about commitment, then, is the expected quality of the relationship–after you have had it for more than a year or two.  Once the honeymoon (literal and figurative) is over, will you still be glad you have this person in your life?  There is a good way to predict that, and it’s not what most people think.

People commonly think that current satisfaction with their partner is the best predictor for future happiness.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  A highly emotionally intense relationship at the beginning often leaves little room for growth.  When these feelings have subsided (as they will), it will seem like something drastic has happened.  When you start at the top of the emotional roller coaster, the only place you can go is down.

What this means is that the worst reason to get committed to someone is because you are “in love” with them.  Being in love is important for bonding and is a good sign to continue the relationship.  On its own, though, it is not enough reason to make a commitment of a lifetime (any less than that, and it’s not really a commitment).

Having worked with many couples in all stages of relationships, I have seen what works and what does not.  When committed people are unhappy, their partner usually gets the blame.  Conflict grows and divorce and breakups start this way.  But, the real reason they are miserable  is their life dissatisfaction (of which their partner is only a part).

We are ready to commit to a long term relationship when we have life satisfaction without our partner.  Usually this means that we should be satisfied with our lives even before we  begin to date.  Unhappy people are needy people.  Making a commitment to someone should never be a way to fix our poor life satisfaction.  It’s like building a parachute with only one cord.  If that cord breaks, we are in free fall.  Too much will hinge on the relationship.  Small problems will be threatening and cause us to overreact.  Large problems will be crushing and cause us to despair.

Need a more clear way to decide? If your answer to the following question is “no”, then you are not ready for a commitment:  “Could you be happy even if you were not with your partner?” If you say, “Well, I would miss my partner very much, but I have many friends, a good job, activities that I enjoy, and a plan for my future,” then I would congratulate you on your new commitment.  If you instead say that you could never be happy without your partner, then I would think that your relationship is at high risk.  Emotional neediness is toxic to relationships.

I am a firm believer in marriage and commitment.  There are a lot of benefits to a good relationship.  But, I would not wish for anyone to make a commitment lightly.  When I work with singles, we first work on life satisfaction.  A person satisfied with his or her life is both attractive and ready for commitment.  When I work with married and other committed people, I also help them to have more life satisfaction.  Committed people who are miserable generally are not satisfied with their lives.  When we improve their life satisfaction, it takes a lot of burden off the relationship.

Two people with high life satisfaction make great partners. Working with a relationship coach can help you to have that.

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