Relationship Coach Blog

I am a relationship coach and psychologist. Do you think that I do all the right things in my relationships?  No way.  My knowledge, skills, and experience help me to avoid many pitfalls, and to catch small things before they become big, but they don’t stop small things from happening.  Small things, when properly dealt with, do not damage our relationships.  We can call these small things our “stumbles”.

Learning to recognize your stumbles and to catch yourself before you fall are very important skills, especially since stumbling is inevitable.  Even the best of hikers will stumble on an unseen root or stone now and then.  In a place which has a lot of roots or stones, hikers will take smaller steps and slow their pace.  We can learn from that.

If you are frequently stumbling in your relationships, it is time to make small steps to change.  At the same time, you need to slow down by focusing on those small changes until you have them mastered.  We walk up one hill at a time until we reach our destination.

A good way to start to fall less is to write down your stumbles. If you are dating, after the date, write down what worked well for you and what didn’t.  For what didn’t, try to come up with something that would have been better to do instead of what you did.  That part is very important to help you to do differently next time.  Merely blaming yourself will not result in fewer falls–just bad feelings about yourself.

The same is true for our regular relationships. Start to jot notes down on a little pocket card when you do or say something dumb.  After your note, write what would have been better to say or do.  Sometimes our stumbling is our actually not doing something which we should have.  We fail to compliment our partner for example or fail to go for that kiss on a date.

If you do not note your stumbles and plan to change in specific ways, you will repeat your patterns indefinitely.  Learn to do what really works instead of just trusting yourself to do better next time.  Falsely believing we have abilities we don’t is as harmful as not believing in abilities that we do have.

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