Relationship Coach Blog

Imagine that you have a team of four people that have joined together in order to accomplish a common goal.  The goal could be anything, but let’s suppose that the goal of the team is to plant a beautiful flower garden.  Perhaps the team wants to beautify a local roadway or it’s part of a competition in order to receive a nice prize.  Maybe it’s just for their own pleasure.

Now, imagine that one of the team members is very critical of the whole project.  That team member thinks the whole idea is stupid and even does things to sabotage the project like over or under watering the plants.  What would you do about such a team member?  You could take that person off the team of course, but it would be even better to motivate that team member to cooperate.  Doing nothing may spoil the whole project.

There is also a team at work inside of us. The team members have various names, but generally fall under the categories of beliefs, thoughts, behaviors, and feelings.  When these four team members work together, progress is swift and outcomes are good.  We get more of what we want and feel better about what we get.  Sometimes, though, one of these “team members” is not cooperating.

If you are working on your relationship, but don’t believe you can really have a better one, then your “belief” team member is sabotaging the project.  You may make progress, but more slowly.  Depending on how strong your negative belief team member is, you may give up before you reach your goal.

Perhaps your beliefs are positive, but your behaviors are ineffective or reflect bad habits.  Perhaps your thoughts are stopping you from learning new skills that all the “team members” can use.  Thoughts such as, “I didn’t make the mess, so I shouldn’t have to clean it up,” or “I can’t do anything about it unless my partner changes,” are very powerful negative thoughts.  Although they are not accurate, they are destructive.

Getting more of what you want in life is about being in harmony, which is another way of saying that your team of beliefs, thoughts, behaviors, and feelings are all working together.  Conflict within this team is called “internal conflict.”  If you are having little success, it may be due to just such a conflict.  A relationship coach can help you to resolve your inner conflict and get what you truly want while feeling good about it.