Relationship Coach Blog

Before one word has a chance to come from your mouth, people already have an unconscious response to you based on your physical appearance and body language. This process is extremely fast.  It is about the same amount of time it takes for you to notice a flash from a camera.  Each person who passes you on the street takes such an unconscious flash picture of you and processes it before their foot lands for the next step.

When meeting someone new, you want to have first a positive unconscious response, followed by a conscious positive response, and then a continuing positive unconscious response.  When a person unconsciously likes you, they will come up with conscious reasons why they should.  The reverse is also true.  When a person has a negative unconscious response to you, they will come up with reasons not to like you.  In every case, it is the unconscious part of a person you must deal with.

Many aspects of our appearance that are good will get a “no” response from a stranger’s unconscious mind.  This “no” response happens when it resembles a past danger.  Perhaps you have a nose, or a walk,  which is similar to a bully the person was victimized by in elementary school.  Our unconscious minds never forget.

On the other hand, some of our negative aspects will get an unconscious “yes” response. This “yes” response happens when it resembles a past pleasure.  Maybe your stooped posture is similar to a high school sweetheart.  Any qualities that an ex-boyfriend or girlfriend had during a time of pleasure will carry positive associations, even after the relationship goes bad.  People may not consciously want someone like their ex, but they do want to have the same kind of feelings that they first had with their ex.  Attraction is stimulated when something associated with a good feeling in the past is recognized in the present.

How can we increase the chance of a positive, initial, unconscious response to us? Being clean, well groomed (regardless of style), well dressed (10% better than the situation requires), having a confident posture, and a pleasant facial expression are essential.  These things are sized up in a flash.  They keep us from being immediately screened out.

To continue to get a positive unconscious response, we should have an open posture; a look of interest in what the other person is saying; eye contact; a congruent facial expression (matched to what the other person is saying) and nodding in agreement.  Consciously, these things may go unrecognized, but the unconscious is watching.   Increasing similarity means decreasing threat.

Becoming aware of how you are received by others is essential for success in meeting people and establishing relationships.  So as not to come across as a slick salesperson, your presentation should be an accurate reflection of yourself.  Develop a personal style that is flattering to you.  Develop a genuine interest in other people.  Develop a keen realization that others only know about you what you show to them.  You may be wonderful, but if they can’t see it, they can’t know it.

Because of the law of matching, every quality you develop in yourself increases the quality of the partner that you can have.  When you work with a relationship coach, your coach can help you to find very specific things that you can start doing right away to be more successful with men or women.