Relationship Coach Blog

There is a process that our mind follows when completing actions.  For example, in order to pick up my coffee cup, I first have to think something like, “pick up the coffee cup.”  Because I don’t focus on such a thought, I don’t remember thinking it, but I must have in order to have picked it up.  Many of our thoughts happen at this near-unconscious level.  We don’t remember thinking them and pay no attention to them because they are over-learned and automatic.  Good examples of this are using a computer keyboard or driving a car (for an experienced driver).

Because such over-learned processes control much of our actions, including the way we relate with our partners, we end up repeating the same patterns over and over, even when we don’t want to.  We need some way to begin to make a change.  Affirmations can help with creating a new process; conscious and requiring effort at first and then moving to near-unconscious as they become over-learned.  They are similar to visualizations, but are more verbal in nature.

An affirmation is a statement that we make to ourselves that reflects the quality we want to have as though we already have it. When we think of ourselves as already being a certain way, our behaviors start to reflect that thought and we gradually become that way.  Although feelings follow behaviors, behaviors follow thoughts.  Change thoughts to change behaviors.  Here are some example affirmations:

• “I use a nice tone of voice”
• “I respond to criticism by looking for the truth”
• “I prioritize my activities and work on the most important ones first”
• “I am an attractive man”

You can see that these affirmations start with “I”.  Affirmations are about ourselves and not about others.  Our thoughts will not change others.  They are also stated in a positive way.  Repeating such things to ourselves in a slow and deliberate way will help us to become that way.

How do you want to be? Like you are now?  If so, great!  Keep up the good work.  If you want to change, though, it will take more than determination.  It will take skills and ongoing support.  Get both from your relationship coach and see what your life can become while having fun in the process.