Relationship Coach Blog

It’s financially, legally, and socially easier to break up than ever before.  Breaking up is even becoming a norm.  “For better or for worse,” seems like an old fashioned idea.  “Why would you want to stay with someone you are not happy with?” sounds like a very reasonable question.  So much so, that, when we are unhappy with our partner, our minds gravitate toward breaking up.  Social norms are teaching us to have disposable relationships.

While it is mechanically easy to breakup, it is never emotionally easy, and it doesn’t bring happiness. It does produce a temporary escape from an intolerable situation, but this is almost always followed by another problematic relationship.  The more failed relationships  you have had, the more you know this is true.

When someone comes to me with a strong desire to breakup or divorce, I don’t just say “go ahead.” What I do recommend is that since they no longer fear losing their relationship, let’s use it to help prepare them for a much better relationship.  By learning to manage whatever problem is in your current relationship, you inoculate yourself against such future problems.  “Isn’t it worth a little time to make sure this never happens again?”

A bad relationship is a great training ground for future success. It’s like learning how to rescue a business that has gone bankrupt or rebuilding a car that has been in a serious wreck.  After that, you can sell the business or junk the car.  But your confidence and skills will remain.  You will be able to take your relationships to a new level because you will no longer have a fear of what went wrong in this one.

Fear prevents growth and it also prevents relationship improvement. With no fear of losing the relationship, no desire to reform their partner, and a strong desire to make their own life better, the client is in an excellent position for growth.

Then, we get to work. The client learns how to have boundaries and to stop any codependent behaviors.  Clients, no longer focused on changing their partners, start to make changes to their own lives perhaps by learning new skills, making new friends, and becoming more active.  Dating is discouraged at this time and usually people are not in a rush to jump into another relationship.

At the same time, the client learns how to respond to their partner’s behaviors in ways that preserve their boundaries, but do not allow for conflict.  The fighting is over.  The client is learning to live his or her life and to allow his or her partner to do the same.  In the process, the things that caused the relationship problems disappear.  A new relationship is created, in the ashes of the old, with the same partner.  The relationship is restored.

Ironically, for some, their relationship cannot be saved until they are ready to lose it. If you are becoming less and less afraid of losing your relationship, that is a good thing.  Fear does not promote bonding anyhow.  But before you break up or decide to divorce, first learn to really manage such a situation.  Your reason can be simply to never let yourself become a victim of such a relationship again.

Make your desire to run away, break up, or escape, a positive force for change. You will need help to learn.  If you would like my help, you can find my recommendation for how to get started here.