Relationship Coach Blog

When someone says, “What’s the real reason…?” it is because they don’t believe the reason they have been given.  The time we are most likely to ask someone that is when their given reason doesn’t make sense to us or is inconsistent with their other behavior.  For example, if a boyfriend says he doesn’t want to talk because he is too tired, but then goes to the gym to work out, you will suspect that he had another reason not to talk to you besides being tired.  After all, it usually takes more effort to work out in a gym than to talk.

The real reason that we do or do not do something usually has to do with the anticipated consequences of that action and not because of the way we feel at the moment.  Even when people are tired, they will do things that they anticipate as being very enjoyable.  This is one reason so many people will stay up late to party, play video games (especially teenagers), etc.  Both our fears and desires can override our current need.  On the other hand, even when people have free time and energy, they often avoid doing something that would be good for them.

To get more at the ‘real reason” from yourself or someone else, a helpful question is, “What do you think would happen if you did …?” or “What do you think would happen if you didn’t …?”  In the example above, “What do you think would happen if we did talk?” Perhaps the answer might be something like, “Well, it would probably take a long time and then I couldn’t work out.”  Having uncovered the real reason, you then have a better understanding and can directly address the concern.  You could, for example, say, “How about if we agree to only talk for 15 minutes, and then you go to the gym?”

You can use the same line of questioning with yourself. You are procrastinating about sending a thank you card to your aunt.  You just “don’t feel like it” is the reason you give to yourself.  Ask yourself, “If I did try to write a thank you card to my aunt, what might happen?”  You may find yourself with a surprising answer such as “I wouldn’t know what to say and just get frustrated.” You can then address the issue by brainstorming a few things you would say if you did write that card.  This will help you to break through the resistance and get it done.

The next time you find yourself not doing what would be good for you or your relationship, try to discover the real reason. Dealing with that will help you to make progress.

Working with a relationship coach is a great way to break through your own resistance and to make the changes you have wanted to but until now have not done.