Relationship Coach Blog

Our desires, coupled with our estimates of success, determine all new actions that we take.  If I want to climb Mt. Everest, but believe that I can’t, then I won’t.  All the promises of wonderful views, fame, and glory will not compel me to start.  For many, a “great relationship” may as well be Mt. Everest.  “It sure would be nice (high motivation), but It’s not possible because…my partner doesn’t…I can’t stand…I don’t have enough money…I’m too busy…etc. (low estimate of success).”

Often our high desires combine with low estimates of success to create feelings of discouragement and hopelessness. “I want soooo much to have a wonderful relationship, but I can’t.” To resolve these feelings, we often give up on our desires.  We can’t miss what we don’t want.  We kill our dreams to keep us from dying inside. There is a better way, though-increasing our estimate of success.

We can increase our low estimates of success by tackling smaller and more believable goals. The smaller the goal that we tackle, the higher will be our estimates of success. Our desire and high estimate of success will work together to get us started. People who climb Mt. Everest always start with much smaller mountains.  We can work on an ok relationship now without a single concern about a great relationship.  Someday, when we get to good, it won’t be such a giant step to great.

Let’s suppose that we are working together and I am your coach. You tell me that you have a strong desire to have a very intimate relationship with your partner and a career that you love.  Presently, though, it seems impossible because you and your partner rarely even speak to each other and you are barely surviving on your minimum wage job.  Looking at your desired goals from where you are now is like trying to see the top of Mt. Everest from the valley and through the clouds.

If we were to make a list of all the equipment, experiences, training, and expenses that would be required to reach the top of Everest, your estimate of climbing it would be very low.  The same could be said of achieving a great relationship for many who are now desperately lonely (whether they are in a relationship or not).  Becoming financially stable, overcoming insecurities, increasing socialization, improving communication, etc., can all add up to a long list.  Starting over or giving up would seem easier.

All progress in our lives feels good. By working together to have small successes, we can increase our estimates of success and rekindle our fading desires.  Let’s say that by brainstorming we come up with 5 possible ways for you to improve your communication with your partner a little in the coming week.  You choose one of them to try.  If it works, great.  If not, then we will have eliminated an unhelpful action and you will be one step closer to better communication.  This is working on the here and now; the believable and the do-able.

By creating small, easily achievable, win-win actions, we increase our chances of success to nearly 100%. We progress with minimum stress and minimum risk.  As our small successes accumulate, we get closer to having a great relationship without needing to tackle it directly.  Any gains that we make are worthwhile and feel good.  The view from even half-way up Mt. Everest is still very good. And, when you get there, that mountain will not seem as high anymore.

Click this link to find a small step you can take now.