The average man is not attracted to a woman for her relationship potential. But, you don’t have to settle for attracting the average man.
Everyone naturally wants to be attractive and have a wonderful relationship.
You do, I do, and your next door neighbor does. The great thing about that is there are a lot of people who would want to have a relationship with you, if they thought you were the right person for them. And you probably pass many people each day who would be a great partner for you. How can you attract the right men and not the needy ones, scary ones, or players?
When Denise started coaching, she already realized that there were many men attracted to her and more than willing to date her. She talked about how that had been fine for awhile, because she hadn’t been in any hurry to “settle down” or find a life partner. Now though, things were different. She had started a career she liked and attracted the interest of several of the men at her company. She sensed that going out with these men would just lead to problems or to more temporary relationships.
When I asked Denise why she had attracted these particular men, she didn’t know what I meant.
I pointed out to her that she wasn’t attracting all the men—just a certain type of man. The kind of man she had experience with before. Denise admitted that she really hadn’t thought about that, but perhaps there was something about her that attracted these men and not the others.
Much of attraction goes on at a subconscious level. We become attracted to someone before we think about it. And we also send out signals to some people that say, “the door is open,” while we signal most people that “the door is shut.” Although people don’t consciously pick up on those signals, they see them clearly and follow them. If Denise wanted to attract men who were more serious about relationships, she would need to learn to change her signals. But to do that, she also needed to know what kind of man she wanted long term.
Our work over the next couple of sessions was spent talking about what she had really enjoyed in her relationships so far, and what she had not.
We also got her imagination going about what would be her ideal relationship. To do that, we played a “the sky is the limit” kind of game where she could use her imaginary magic wand to choose several different men for herself. Each different, but each offering something to her that was very appealing.
From this work, we were able to see more clearly the characteristics of men that she found most attractive. She found that her ideal men were very different from the men she had dated and she also found it very unrealistic to think that she could have such a man. I asked her what kind of message she would send to a man who fit what she desired. Not surprisingly, she said she would probably give him a “the door is shut,” kind of signal. We instinctively avoid rejection.
Rather than go the counseling route and help Denise to figure out what her self-esteem issues were, I took the relationship coaching approach with her.
I helped her to assume that she was right. That a man like the one she wanted would probably not be attracted to her. We already knew what kind of men were interested in her and they did not match her ideal man. So, there was no reason to suspect she was wrong.
“What would a woman need to do or be to attract a man like that? Like your ideal man?” Those men are obviously attracted to some kind of woman, after all. We made up a list of characteristics. She determined that to get the kind of attention she wanted, from the kind of man she wanted, she would need to make some changes. She would need to be able to identify them, and to initiate conversations differently. She also discovered that she would need to be more assertive to become more attractive to the kind of man who wanted to commit to her. That was a big change from what she had been doing. Passivity and aggressiveness tend to attract men who don’t want to commit, while being assertive tends to attract men who like to commit.
At this point, Denise had a clear picture of the kind of men she wanted to attract.
She knew generally where such men worked and what their interests were. She also knew the changes she would need to make just to attract men like that. But more than that, she knew the kind of woman that she would need to be to become a good partner for such a man. She was able to see that finding a good partner has a lot to do with being the right partner for the person you desire. If you want a prince, you need to be a princess. If you want a player, you only have to be a “playee.”
The big question remaining for Denise was? “Is that the kind of woman you want to be?” It was an easy question for her. She hadn’t liked the way that she had previously been in her relationships and how she handled things when problems started. “I really feel like I was too emotional, too desperate. I can see now how that would really turn off the kind of man that I’m interested in.”
Denise didn’t know how to make the changes she needed to, but she was ready to learn.
I helped her with the basics both for becoming more like the woman she wanted to become and for giving the “door is closed” message to the men who she knew were wrong for her. We talked about her first steps to interact with some men she met at a business seminar. She had been really nervous, but she did well and I was proud of her, too.
Of course, there were more things she needed to do, like stopping her romanticizing of her past relationships. When she found herself missing the attention that she got before with the wrong partners, she would remind herself of the hurt that it had come to and how she could have better than that. She didn’t want to miss out on Mr. Right while she was spending her time with Mr. Wrong.
Relationship coaching does involve a little counseling as you see, in terms of support, and connecting as human beings.
But, mostly it involves getting real about what you have been doing and what you need to be doing instead. We don’t get what we want by waiting for it. It takes action for that.