It’s one thing to know you are needy. It’s another to know what to do about it. If you are single and want to marry someday, here is a great way to start.
You don’t have to settle for someone who is less than what you really want.
Would you like to find a lifetime “partner” in every sense of the word? The kind of person that you will be eager to commit to and have absolutely no regrets with later on? Whether people desire a prince or a pauper–it’s my goal as their coach–for them never to have to “settle” for anyone. If you use the methods in this article, you won’t have to settle for anyone, ever again.
People who were previously out of your league will desire you.
Don’t get the wrong idea–This is not an article for hooking up with a hot partner for a hot date. It is about being an obviously valuable choice for the kind of people you are interested in. Because your desired partner must also desire you. If you fall in love with a junk car, you can fix it up. But, you will never be able to fix up someone by having a relationship with them. Get the best one you can from the start.
Learn to look in the right places for your partner
The best jobs are not advertised in the newspaper, the best clothes are not on sale at the department store, and the best partners are not hanging out at the local bar. Simply trying to think where available people are and going there is one of the worst ways to find a mate. To get what you want, you must know what you want and where to find it. And you must have the means to get it once you get there.
Good relationships are more work at the beginning and less work later
It’s a sad state of affairs that people often spend more time planning and working to find the perfect diamond engagement ring than they did to find the person they got engaged to! Of course there are a lot of dating and matchmaking websites. And a few of them are actually pretty good. Their method is based on finding a “match” for you.
Matching makes sense
Finding a match before you pursue a relationship makes a lot of sense. It’s much better than finding someone, getting in a relationship with them, and then trying to figure out how you match each other. By that time, you are likely to be emotionally committed to the relationship whether you are a good match or not. But, don’t go to that matchmaking site yet!
Sometimes a good match is a bad long term partner
Bad relationships, like good relationships, also happen with people who match us. Let’s take an extreme example. If you are an alcoholic, then you are likely to get in a relationship with other addicts or codependent types. But, if you got sober first (before pursuing relationships), you would match an entirely different group of people. You would be less likely to revert to alcoholism and your relationship would be healthier.
Needy people choose people who match them, which is a large part of the problem
If you have no friends, another lonely person will match you well. You will feel “made for each other”– at first. But there are reasons that lonely people are lonely and have no friends. Those reasons will cause problems for the both of you before too long. And, if one of you makes friends during the relationship, that will be a source of conflict.
Change first, match later
If you make friends before pursuing romance, you will attract an entirely different (and healthier and wealthier) group of people. You will both have friends in the relationship and this will help in many ways. Your relationship will be on more solid ground. Similar examples can be made about any area of your life where it’s difficult for you to stand on your own two feet or to be happy.
Have you seen the pattern of intense love at the beginning of your relationships, but then severe distance later?
If you are unhappy or needy (lonely, financially strapped, in a stressful situation, etc.), your relationships will tend to be “fixes” that make you feel better temporarily, before you crash and burn and start desiring a different one. This bears repeating–because of neediness in some area, people get into relationships that seem perfect at first, but then fall apart.
People get into relationships with others who are not right for them because of their neediness.
To the extent that you solve your own problems before finding a partner, the better match you will find and the more secure your relationship will be. This puts the happiness of your relationships and the quality of the people you date under your control. This doesn’t mean you need to be rich or gorgeous. It means you enhance all areas of your life where you are needy until you are not needy any longer. Then, you will have created the perfect conditions for finding the perfect partner.
Ten practical steps for overcoming neediness so you can find a life partner
To enhance your life so that you are attracted to the right people and they are attracted to you:
1. IDENTIFY areas where you are needy or dependent.
2. GET these needs met before pursuing a relationship.
3. LIST additional desires (not needs) you have for your ideal future. Remember– desires are healthy; needs are pain based and should be worked on before looking for a partner.
4. DEFINE exactly the kind of man or woman you want to have. You are 100 times more likely to get what you want if you decide what you want before you look for it.
5. BECOME the kind of person that would be a good match for your *ideal* partner. You won’t get someone you don’t match because that person would have no interest in you.
6. MEET prospective partners. Date and evaluate. Never “settle” for just anyone. Be fully in control of the dating process. You have one life. Use it well.
7. DON’T COMMIT EARLY. This is one of the hallmarks of a needy person. They commit before they really know someone because they feel so much in love. If the relationship is really right, you don’t have to commit early for fear of losing it.
8. STOP DATING THE WRONG PEOPLE. Continuing to date someone who is not right for you takes away other opportunities and is more likely to result in another failed relationship.
9. SHOP AROUND. One way to prevent yourself from prematurely committing to someone who is wrong for you is to be dating several good candidates.
10. MAKE SURE that you also have time for other things and people in your life. Remember, secure people don’t give up their lives in order to have a relationship–they have a relationship in order to share their great lives.
Why a needy person can’t find good partners, but why you can
Needy people have to settle for less than what they want
As a relationship coach, I know how to help people both find and connect with their ideal partner. But, just being able to find such people will not ensure a relationship. If I help you to find men or women you are attracted to, but you are not the kind of person *they* are interested in, you don’t stand a chance. It’s like shopping in a jewelry store when you only have $10 in your wallet–you will be able to look, but not buy, then end up at Wal-Mart getting another piece of junk.
If you are needy, there are many people who are looking for you right now
If you are needy, there will be a lot of other needy people looking for you. There will also be a lot of people wanting to find you for “short term” relationships. For a lot of men, needy women are fun to fish for, but they are not the kind of fish you keep. They just need to dangle the bait just right and the needy fish will school around. Are you in that school? Needy men also attract women who will use them for various purposes.
If you are not needy, there will also be a lot of people looking for you
A happy person who has her life together will be attractive to most everyone. Not only will she attract needy people and predators, she will also attract the really good catches. The kind of partner that most women can’t have. These secure women stand out from others and are very valuable. They won’t have anything to do with needy partners or predators, and the good partners who find them won’t want to let them go. This goes for men as well.
This process is much easier with relationship coaching
Neediness is not all or nothing
There are needy people, and there are NEEDY people. The more toward the needy end of things you are, the more you will benefit by getting support and skills from a coach. If it saves you even one big mistake, it can be the most important thing you have done for yourself in a long time.
What you can do in coaching so that you can find a really good life partner:
1. Complete a needs assessment to identify areas where you are most vulnerable, needy, or hurting. Uncovering these blind spots will put you in a position to deal with them.
2. Start to identify some small steps that you can take to enhance these areas. Every improvement you can make in these areas will raise the bar on the kind of partner you can get.
3. Use some limit removing exercises to help you imagine your ideal future relationship. A coach can be very valuable for checking for areas that indicate neediness rather than desire.
4. Start making a “profile” of your ideal partner. Work with your coach to identify as much specific information as you can about where to find your partner and how to enter his or her world.
5. With your profile and your coach’s insight, determine what kind of people your ideal partner would be attracted to. Make sure this is the kind of person you want to be.
6. Make plans for meeting your mate candidates. Role play your first meeting with your coach. Make sure you feel comfortable and confident. You will need to learn skills for being confident and assertive rather than being aggressive or needy. This is one of the most important reasons to be in coaching.
7. Keep meeting people as you troubleshoot with your coach. Don’t worry about the ones that get away. When you can do that, then you will know that you are making good progress in overcoming your neediness.
8. Stay on track with all of your self-improvement. Don’t slide back into neediness as you look for a partner.
You can do it
As hard as these steps may sound, they don’t begin to compare with how hard a bad relationship is. You may already know that from your past experience. Likely, it will clash with your belief that good relationships happen naturally. That belief is only true for people who already are secure. If you think about it, probably nothing in your life happened naturally except the bad things. Everything else, you had to learn and practice, over and over, until it became natural.
Invest in yourself, and your future, by taking control of yourself. Stop being blown around by your emotions, and instead create the situations that will result in consistently good feelings for you.